


And When the Bond Breaks

by LadyRa



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2003-04-08
Updated: 2003-04-08
Packaged: 2017-12-23 05:26:04
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 24,631
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/922532
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LadyRa/pseuds/LadyRa
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Spock takes  the shuttle for a brief mission to investigate a spatial anomaly.  When he returns to the Enterprise, things are  a little different.</p>
            </blockquote>





	And When the Bond Breaks

It was surrounding the shuttlecraft before he could move it out of harm’s way. Spock’s eyebrows rose in a shared battle of curiosity and concern. The move was unexpected. He’d been studying the space anomaly for several days while on the Enterprise, and for two point three six hours from aboard the shuttlecraft. It had shown no previous movement other than a small natural sway in response to space eddies. 

He attempted evasive maneuvers but the shuttlecraft was well and truly caught within the phenomenon. Just for a millisecond, everything vibrated around him, and then settled back down again. He checked the readings on the shuttle's console, but it didn't appear as if any systems had been affected. 

Spock attempted to hail the Enterprise but was unsuccessful. The Vulcan tried a few benign tactics to pull the craft free, uneasy at the prospect of using anything aggressive on the remote chance it might be sentient. As it seemed to be doing him no harm, Spock decided to accept the situation for the time being and use the opportunity to take further readings. 

After fifteen point four minutes had passed, the anomaly unexpectedly moved back to its original position. Spock immediately hailed the ship. "Spock to Enterprise, come in, Enterprise."

The first thing Spock heard was a gasp. Then Uhura spoke. "Mr. Spock, is that you?"

A single eyebrow went up. He had just identified himself. "Affirmative, Lieutenant."

The communication line still open between ship and shuttlecraft, Spock listened as Uhura spoke again, but not to him. "Mr. Scott, it's Spock. He's alive."

Spock heard the engineer's response. "That canna be him. We saw the shuttlecraft explode with him inside." Spock's other eyebrow went up.

"I know, Sir, but it's him."

"Put him on screen, lassie, put him on screen."

Spock could now see the bridge, and saw that they were all looking at him with startled expressions on their faces. Their eyes were wide, jaws were dropped, and they seemed speechless. Spock might have found it faintly amusing if he hadn't also noticed that the captain was absent, with Scott sitting in the captain's chair. Spock hadn't been gone long enough to necessitate a crew change. He focused on his highest priority. "Mr. Scott. Where is the Captain?" 

Scotty visibly tried to pull himself together. He shook his head, hard, and threw back his shoulders. "Knight to Bishop's Four."

Spock was even more mystified but he gave the appropriate response. "Bishop to Queen's Level Three."

Scotty let out a gasp, and turned to Uhura. "I don't know how, but it's him. Let him in, lass."

Spock, his brows furrowed, spoke again, calmly, belying his growing sense of apprehension. "I do not understand the need for such security. What has happened? Where is the Captain?"

"I'll explain it all to you when you get inside. Don't waste any more time, lad. The Captain needs ye." Scotty added an emphatic waving gesture to his words. 

Spock's eyebrow rose again but he nodded. "I expect to land in three point two four minutes. Spock out."

* * *

Spock lowered the shuttle down into the hangar bay, shut the controls down and waited for the hatch to open. He tried to ignore the anxiety engendered by Mr. Scott's words. Where was Jim? Why was the captain in need of him? Knowing that all the answers would soon be available to him he curbed his impatience. As he walked down the ramp he saw Scott run into the hangar, still looking flustered but with a huge smile on his face.

"I dinna believe it. I dinna believe my own eyes."

"Calm yourself, Mr. Scott. Your behavior is quite illogical." Spock hoped he was successfully maintaining his own calm façade.

Scotty put his hand on Spock's arm, gripping tightly. "Yours would be too, lad, if I'd been blown up into a million pieces and then stood in front of you like nothin' had happened." 

Spock's eyes widened, not only at being referred to as a 'lad' for the second time, but also because Scott was touching him. And not only touching him, the chief engineer was actually tugging on his arm. The engineer never touched him, unless inebriated. Spock was grateful his shields were firmly in place. He planted himself, calmly removing the Scotsman's arm from his. "Mr. Scott, I must insist that you explain your behavior and tell me where the Captain is."

"He's in sickbay. He's dyin'. We have to get you there immediately."

Spock lost the ability to breathe momentarily. Of all the words in the universe, those were the ones he dreaded the most. "Dying?" It could not be true. He would not allow it to be true. Spock needed no further tugging to get him moving. "Explain." 

Scotty had to run to keep up with him. "We thought you died, laddie. We saw the shuttlecraft explode. The Captain felt you die through your bond and--" There was a puzzled pause, "--I don't understand how you can be alive."

Spock stopped abruptly, the words short-circuiting him, and the engineer ran right into him. Spock stabilized him with a strong grip. "You are making no sense. I am clearly not dead. The shuttlecraft is intact. And what bond do you speak of?" He couldn’t imagine Mr. Scott imbibing in alcoholic substances while on duty. He tried to detect any odor on the engineer's breath. Nothing.

Scotty waved it all off as unimportant. "We can talk about that later. I have to get you to sickbay before he dies. The doctor said it wouldna be long."

Spock needed more information but the worried appeal on Scott's face made him decide it could wait until he got to sickbay and ascertained for himself whether the captain was indeed in danger. He began to move quickly again, ignoring the stunned looks he received from everyone he passed.

As he moved, Spock noticed some changes. He saw a few crewmembers he didn't recognize. Some of the carpeting was different, and he recognized a door that used to be labeled as storage, now boasting a nameplate for Nurse Chapel. The changes continued as he entered sickbay. There were new monitors and a new lab counter had been added. He looked around for the captain, or the doctor.

Then McCoy was there, his eyebrows almost off his face. "Jumpin' Jehosophat, it is you. Get your butt in here. Where the hell have you been?" 

"I was merely completing my mission, Doctor. It is incomprehensible to me as to why everyone seems to think I have died." Spock was beginning to feel annoyed although he did his best to push it aside. He didn't like mysteries, not unless they were something that could be put under a microscope. He had a moment's suspicion that this was a hoax being perpetrated on him by Dr. McCoy, but this seemed a bit tasteless even for him.

McCoy was tugging on his arm now and Spock felt another flash of amazement that he was being pulled on again. No one touched him. No one but the captain. "We can argue about it later. All you have to do is convince him you're still alive." He dragged Spock into the treatment room.

Spock tried to deny what he was seeing. Kirk was lying on a sickbay bed, his usual glow and exuberance all but extinguished; he was pale and much too still and Spock could see death hovering over him. It terrified him almost past the point of functioning. It was an effort to find his voice, an effort not to reach out and touch the still body, to find proof with his own hands that warmth and breath remained. "What has happened to him?"

"It must be your bond, Spock. He felt you die. It's like he just gave up."

Spock could hear the anxious expectation in the doctor's voice, as if he was waiting for the Vulcan to now make things right. He moved to his friend's bedside. "Doctor, I do not know what you are talking about. The Captain and I are not bonded." The words were hard to say. He longed for it to be true, and it was unbearable that the possibility of it ever happening was dying right in front of his eyes.

"Of course you're bonded. Scotty and I drank an entire bottle of Romulan Ale toasting the two of you." He looked at Scotty for confirmation, and Spock could see that his eyes were filled with frustration at whatever game Spock was playing. Spock did not know how to reassure him, not when he was beginning to question his own sanity. 

Scotty offered confirmation. "That's right. It was out of my own stock," he added proudly.

Spock was completely flummoxed. "When were we bonded?" Was something wrong with him? Had he lost his memory somehow? Could it be true? Could he be bonded with Jim? Spock tried to push the hope away. His rational mind screamed for more data.

McCoy's exasperation with the Vulcan colored his voice. "Right after that mission where you almost got killed by those dog-like creatures on Lumvernia. The ones that did this." With a finger, the doctor pulled at the neck of Spock's tunic to expose marks he clearly expected to see. Except they weren't there. "What the--"

Spock removed the doctor's hand. "I have no memory of Lumvernia, or of being attacked by any dog-like creatures." At a moan from the bed, Spock turned his attention immediately back to his captain. 

The doctor moved to the other side of the bed. "I don't know what's going on but you need to meld with him, Spock. Let him know you're alive. For pity's sake, man, do you want him to die?"

"Of course not, Doctor." He lifted his hand but hesitated. A meld was not something he ever did lightly, the need to do no harm paramount. He required more information. Spock ran what data he had through his mind. He drew a possible conclusion. "What is the date?" 

Scotty answered that one. "Stardate 6102.3."

Spock's body stilled, part of him gratified he had drawn a correct conclusion, another part of him even more concerned about the situation he now found himself in. "When I left the Enterprise it was stardate 5736.7"

McCoy held on to the bed. "A year ago?" He looked down at his friend, lying pale and motionless. "What are you saying? That you're not our Spock? You really aren't bonded?"

The look in Spock's eyes must have been sufficient communication. 

McCoy's face crumpled. "So, he is going to die."

The thought of Kirk's death, any Kirk, set off a most un-Vulcan like keening deep within Spock's soul. Before he could fully consider the ethics of the situation Spock slid his fingers into position over the meld spots. "I can promise nothing, but I will attempt to contact him. I will try to bring him back." He glanced up at the doctor. "I require privacy."

McCoy hesitated but then nodded, his eyes full of sadness. He turned and caught Scotty's equally despondent gaze. The two men left the room, closing the door behind them.

Spock closed his eyes, taking a few deep breaths to center himself, to prepare himself for what he might find. His thoughts were in turmoil. Bonded. He and Jim, bonded. It had been his deepest longing, and one he had hoped might some day come to pass. And apparently it had; here was his proof. It seemed the ultimate cruelty that it would result in Jim's death. 

Spock swept his thoughts away, clearing his mind for the task ahead. He gently pressed within Kirk's mind. //Jim.// All he found was darkness and despair. He felt his own throat tightening in response. He pushed in deeper. //Jim, I am here. Come to me.// Grief rolled over him in waves. He questioned his ability to withstand the dark desolation. Needing to free his friend from this pain, he pushed in even deeper. //Jim!// 

It was so faint he almost wasn't sure he heard it. He focused all his energy on his mental senses. He heard it again. //Spock?//

//Yes, Jim, it is I.//

//Spock!// 

The joy he felt coming from his captain swept him up as well. It was impossible not to reciprocate, not when he could feel Kirk's life force growing stronger with every passing second. //Yes. Yes, Jim.//

He was not prepared for the onslaught that came next. Kirk's mind slammed into his own and it almost knocked him off his feet. The penetration was deep, deeper than any mind meld the two of them had shared. Too deep. Spock had no idea how to push back, honesty forcing him to acknowledge that a part of him didn't want to.

Spock could feel Kirk searching, could feel Kirk's desperate need to replace that which had been taken from him. Spock followed in his wake, trying to reassure as best he could. When they reached Kirk's intended destination, Spock saw, with a shock, that they were in his bonding center.

In less than a second he saw the thread, the slender link that connected him to his own Kirk. He hadn't even realized it existed. Before the second was up, before he could hope to intervene, Kirk struck with all his love and longing and need, with all the mental strength he had into that link, rebuilding it into the bond he'd known, strand by strand, color by color. Spock was overrun, overwhelmed, and conquered. 

Spock could sense Kirk's satisfaction, as the bond grew strong again. He also sensed Kirk's concern as he realized that all was not well with his Vulcan bondmate. //Spock? Spock, what's wrong?// 

Spock could feel the bond--a full mating bond. The presence of it in his mind was staggering. It had happened so fast, something that should not have been able to happen at all. Jim had bonded them. The strength of the human's mind stupefied him. The vigor of the bond was mesmerizing. And terrifying. It was a full bond, a death bond. No way to undo it. For the first time in as long as he could remember, Spock had no idea what to do. He floundered within his own mind.

Kirk's worry increased, his concern vibrating strongly across the bond. Somehow knowing that Spock was beyond even mental speech, Kirk sent him waves of love and comfort. Spock tried to pull himself together. 

Spock could sense Kirk's thoughts. Despite his own shame at his lack of mental cohesiveness, Spock felt something quite different from Kirk. Kirk loved feeling Spock in mental dishabille. He found it endearing. No one else got to see this vulnerable side to the Vulcan. It was his privilege alone, and he reveled in it, and fiercely protected it. The support of the human's tender thoughts helped Spock to function again. 

Spock's hand dropped off Kirk's face. With the bond, it was no longer necessary. With no clear action plan of any sort as yet, Spock surrendered to the sensation of having Jim Kirk in his mind, surrendered to the love. Spock, in his mind, in the warmth of the connection, put his hands out and the love poured into them until they overflowed, cascading to the ground, nurturing the empty places inside of him. His longing for it was too acute to turn away, to refuse what belonged to a different Spock, in a different time.

Kirk sat up and pulled the Vulcan into his arms. Spock identified it as weakness, this willingness to pretend, to allow himself to be held, and in turn, to hold this body within his arms, even if it wasn't the body he was meant to hold. It had too long been a desire of his. Soon, there would be truth. Soon enough Kirk would realize the imposter he held in his arms. Surely a few stolen moments would be forgiven.

Kirk's hands ran up and down the Vulcan's back. //Are you better now, my love?// One hand slid to Spock's lower abdomen, resting over the rapidly beating heart. //What happened? I thought you were dead. I thought I had lost you. I called for you but you were gone, the bond was gone.//

A part of Spock grieved. Too soon. Too soon for truths. Let things remain as they are a little longer. 

When no answer to his questions was forthcoming, Spock was not surprised that, with his usual determination, Kirk just began to look for the answers. Spock could feel him searching and then he could sense the confusion grow. The answers weren't there. The knowledge wasn't there of these most recent events, or of their lives together as bondmates. Kirk's body started to stiffen. He pulled his head up and spoke out loud for the first time. "I don't understand. Have you lost part of your memory?" He searched the Vulcan's face, looking for an answer. "Spock?"

Spock didn't know what to say. It was a new experience, to be at a total loss for words. "Captain--"

That got a response. "Captain? We're alone, Spock. You haven't called me Captain--" Kirk put his hand up and touched the Vulcan's face, searching his mind again. "You really don't remember, do you? There's no memory of us being bonded in your mind, of us being together at all. What happened to you?"

Spock took a step back and laced his hands behind his back, pulling on all his Vulcan reserves. "Captain, I believe that while I was in the shuttle, I went through some sort of temporal inversion fold in the space-time matrix."

Kirk blinked, absorbing that information. He shook his head. "I don't understand. I saw your shuttle explode. I saw the debris." His eyes closed, his mind full of the pain of loss. When they reopened, Spock saw that Kirk was trying hard to control and to understand. "Are you saying the debris was from an alternate timeline, that somehow the shuttle wasn't destroyed, that it was protected momentarily by a time displacement?"

"No, Captain. I am saying that I am not the Spock with whom you bonded. I cannot say with any certainty what has happened to your Spock."

Kirk's hand made a slight gesture toward his own chest, and there was a pause before he spoke. "My Spock?" He slid off the sick bay bed, and took a cautious step toward the Vulcan. "My Spock?"

"Yes, Captain. Your Spock. I am not from this time. When I boarded the shuttle for a mission of only three hours duration, it was stardate 5736.7."

"But that was a year ago." The timber of Kirk's voice was rising and Spock could feel a corresponding rise of panic. 

Spock questioned the wisdom of continuing this conversation when Kirk had been so recently incapacitated. "Perhaps I should get Dr. McCoy."

"No." Kirk grabbed his arm. "Let me make sure I understand you completely. You're saying that from the time you left the Enterprise on the shuttlecraft, until now, that an entire year has elapsed?"

"That would appear to be the case."

"And you and I aren't bonded yet?"

Spock swallowed. "That is not exactly true." 

The situation was slowly becoming horrifyingly clear. Kirk sat down again, first reaching back with a hand to make sure he hit the bed. "God, I bonded us."

"I do not understand how that is possible, but yes, you did." 

Kirk covered his face with his hands and rubbed hard. When he looked back up he shook his head. "I don't know what to do. How do I grieve the death of my best friend when you're standing in front of me? How do I acknowledge the loss of my bondmate, when I can feel you in my mind? What happens now?"

"I do not know. I only know that this is not where I belong."

Kirk reached out and grabbed Spock's arm. "This is where you belong. With me. It's still me, Spock, just a year later. I know you love me, you told me you had for a long time, just as I had loved you."

Spock felt an acute discomfort at hearing his deepest secret discussed out loud, regardless that it was the truth. Regardless that he certainly, through the bond, now knew of Kirk's long and abiding love for him. Spock felt overloaded with sensations and he needed time to adjust. "Captain--Jim. I do not belong here, I belong with the James Kirk of my own time."

Through the bond, Spock could feel Kirk mentally grasping at straws. Grasping at anything that would keep him from having to face the death of the Spock he knew and had chosen as a lifemate. "If you leave, I'll die. You'll die. You won't survive the bond being severed either. If that James Kirk had to choose to have you alive with me, or dead with him, you know what he'd choose."

"It is possible that I will be able to return before the severed bond renders me unconscious."

"To do what? Force a bond on him? You'd never do that. You wouldn't even ask him, thinking it coercion, or bribery of the worst kind, especially because it's something you want. All that would happen is he'd watch you withdraw ever deeper as you followed that broken bond into death."

"He is already potentially dealing with my death." That thought made Spock ache. And this Kirk's words hurt just as badly. No answers. Spock needed to think, he needed to gain control again. "Forgive me. I must be alone for a while."

Kirk gave him a sad smile. "I know. You need to meditate. Go on. We share quarters now, my old quarters. I'll give you some time."

Spock knew this wasn't any easier for Kirk. He sent a thought of gratitude across the bond. He was almost able to stifle the moment of joy he felt at its existence. Bonded with Jim. Spock sensed Kirk pick up a trace of the joy. It lightened his face, and he sent a soft wave of love back to Spock. Through it, Spock could still feel the confusion, the grief stymied by Spock's physical and mental presence.

Spock couldn't help but respond with love of his own. This was still James Kirk, regardless of the time aberration. And he loved him. The thought drove the need for meditation even deeper. It was imperative to discover a way to protect both Kirk's. It was inconceivable to him that either of them suffer.

With a brief head motion, Kirk made it clear that if he was going, he needed to go now. "Send Bones in, would you?"

Spock nodded. He didn't trust his voice. Finding it extraordinarily hard to turn his back on his unexpected bondmate and leave his side, Spock forced his legs to move.

Kirk listened to him leave. Then he heard the approaching footsteps. "Jim. Thank God, you're all right." He found himself the recipient of a huge hug.

Kirk tried to smile. "Yes, Bones. I'm all right." 

McCoy pulled back and took a good long look at him. Then he shook his head. "No, you're not, not by a long shot. I mean you're alive, and that's a long ways from bad, but things aren't all right, are they?"

He shook his head. "No, I'm not all right, and neither is Spock."

"He saved your life. Seems like that ought to cheer even a Vulcan up."

Kirk breathed out a short but unhappy laugh. "I bonded us. I don't even know how I did it. But I got in his mind, and found his bonding center and assumed squatter's rights." 

Kirk paced across the small room and then leaned against the wall. He was exhausted and all he really wanted to do was sleep with Spock's body curled around him. He pushed the thought bitterly away. "He's not my Spock, but I bonded us. And now he's stuck. And that means that the me who expects him back won't get him back. Or it means that he tries to go back, knowing he's sentencing me to death." He drew a long shuddering breath. "And it means my Spock is dead." He covered his face with his hands.

McCoy followed him across the room and put a consoling hand on Kirk's shoulder. "I’m sorry, Jim. I know it's got to be damn near impossible to think of him as dead when someone that looks and talks and acts just like him is walking around, and I won't pretend I know how to help you deal with this. But there's got to be something he can do to protect you. Some sort of Vulcan mind thing that will keep you alive if he decides to leave. Why do you have to die?"

"Our bond is deep, Bones. The deepest sort of bond a Vulcan can have. They call it a death bond. Unless there's another Vulcan around to mentally secure you, the severed bond just creates a black hole inside and it sucks you in, takes your will to live away, as if somehow you know that only in death will you be reconnected to what's been ripped away."

"So that's it? If Spock dies you die, if you die, he dies? And Starfleet knows this? And still lets the two of you command together on this ship, knowing that if one of you dies, the ship loses both of you?" McCoy's voice reflected his growing anger and frustration. "And why the hell didn't I know this? As CMO you had no right to keep the ramifications of your bond from me."

"Yes, they know, and no, they don't like it. But it was what they had to accept to keep us both. We refused to serve apart. So it was either accept our resignation, or cross their fingers and hope that neither of us was killed. And we were going to tell you. And not just you. The entire command team needed to know." He tried a smile to ease his way, knowing he was failing dismally. 

"But you didn't because you knew I'd think you were crazy, and you are. This is insanity."

Kirk nodded, stretching out his neck, reaching up a hand to try to loosen the tightness. "I know it seems that way to you, but bonding with Spock was one of the best things I ever did. When we chose to bond, Spock had no intention of forming a death bond between us, but it just happened. He said it was because our minds and katras were so attuned." Kirk smiled, feeling both sad and proud at the same time.

"Katras?"

Kirk paused, thinking of the best translation. "Souls, Bones, our souls."

Bones stared at Kirk, mulling it over. When he spoke his voice reflected his anger. "What a bunch of romantic claptrap. It just happened? He bonded you and it became a death sentence?" He let out a colorful curse. "Of all the stupid--" He shook his head, clearly deciding that a scolding was not what Kirk needed now. "Well, I suggest that you figure out a way to keep Spock here, or we need to find us another Vulcan."

"I don't want to live without him." And Kirk didn't. He couldn't imagine such a thing, especially not with the bond back in place. It was his home. The only home he wanted.

"Jim, that's a damn foolish thing to say, and an even more foolish thing to feel."

Kirk wished he could make McCoy feel okay about this, but he knew that asking a friend to look the other way while you asked to die, especially this friend, was asking too much. "I know it. But it's the truth. I could survive with another Vulcan to help, but I'd only be half of what I am. He completes me, Bones. When I think of a life without him, all I see is desert." 

"You'd find an oasis after a while, Jim. There's always an oasis sooner or later, if you just hang in there long enough. It's not healthy to need someone that much."

Kirk reached inside and felt the bond. Its presence surrounded him, supported him, made the air around him richer and sweeter. "It's not about needing someone that much. It's about being loved that much. No one will ever be able to love me like he does." His voice caught. "Like he did." How was he supposed to think in past tenses when the bond was there? "I don't want an oasis. I just want him."

"That sounds like need to me. And you've loved before, and after a while, you loved again. I know it's an old cliché, but time truly heals everything."

Kirk had no idea how to explain an eternal love to his friend. "Some loves are worth dying for. I don't know how else to say it. We're all going to die sometime. Hopefully, when death pays a call we’re given a minute to tally up the decisions we made, and figure out if the life we led was worth the dying. When I felt Spock die, when I felt the bond rip apart, even in the midst of that pain, I knew that I'd made the right choice. That his love was worth the dying. I'd do it again." Kirk winced. He had done it again.

"I don't want to lose you." The doctor's voice was tight, reflecting the pain of the potential loss.

"And I don't particularly feel like being lost. But, right now, my staying found depends on Spock, and he's stuck smack in between two Kirk's, and both of us need him desperately." Kirk knew that a year ago, Spock's death wouldn't have killed him physically, but it would have ripped his heart out, nonetheless. He closed his eyes, exhaustion closing in. 

McCoy caught him mid-sway. "What I think is that you've been through an emotional nightmare and you're not thinking clearly. What you need is some rest."

Kirk agreed, but only because he didn't want to argue anymore and he'd promised to give Spock some time. It was the only thing keeping him from joining his bondmate and wrapping his arms around him. The bond was back in place, but it needed to be succored badly. Kirk allowed the doctor to ease him back on the bed. He curled up on his side and tried to ignore how empty the bed seemed.

* * *

Spock was not having much success stilling his mind. At the root of his turmoil lay the bond, the bond that linked him to a man who was as similar to the man he truly loved as to be almost identical. Except that he wasn't. But Spock was bonded to this one. 

A chime sounded indicating the presence of someone requesting entrance. Spock knew it wasn't the captain; the bond informed him that he was still in sickbay, asleep. Alive. For that, Spock had no regrets. Even with this steep a price, he could not have allowed Jim Kirk to die, not if it was within his power to save him. 

He would simply have to move on from here. Kaiidith. Solutions would present themselves; they always did. The chime rang again. Spock rose from his knees. "Come."

The door slid open, revealing McCoy.

Spock suppressed a sigh. This confrontation, he supposed, was inevitable. "Doctor." He moved over to the enlarged seating area and implied permission for the doctor to join him. The wall dividing his and the captain's suites had been removed, and the new space had been reconfigured resulting in a private sleeping and bathing quarter, an eating nook, offices for both men, and a comfortable seating area, large enough for several people. 

It made for a pleasing environment, but Spock felt like a trespasser. This was not his home. It was also why he did not offer the doctor a beverage. He did not know where anything was, and the thought of prying through drawers and cabinets to find the necessary accoutrements involved in providing hospitality felt intrusive. 

McCoy didn't waste any time. "What are you going to do?"

Spock managed to keep the wince off his face. Apparently the good doctor's bluntness was as much a part of him here in this time as in Spock's own time. He deliberated the usefulness of countering the attack with his usual teasing obtuseness but he decided he had neither energy nor desire for games. "I do not know."

"You can't let him die, Spock. I don't care where or when you're from."

"That is not my intention, Doctor. He is, in fact, alive because of my actions." Again, Spock found no regret, only a fierce joy that this captain was alive. He pushed aside his fears for his own captain's safety. He could indulge in that train of thought when he was alone again.

McCoy grunted in response. Then he stood and headed over to the storage area to the left of the seating area. Bending down he slid open the bottom right section. He withdrew a bottle of a dark liquor. Standing and holding it up, slightly shaking it in the Vulcan's direction he asked, "Want some?"

Spock shook his head. "No, thank you." He watched as McCoy, who seemed to know exactly where everything was, helped himself to a glass and some ice. Then he splashed a large amount of liquor into the glass. 

McCoy took a sip, let out a satisfied sigh, recapped the liquor bottle, carrying it and his glass back over to his seat. "He said you two are bonded." Not a question.

Spock gave a terse nod. It bothered him that McCoy knew, that something to which he was still unaccustomed, and something that was intensely private, would be subject to public discourse. 

The Vulcan could feel the doctor's scrutiny. Finally the doctor let out a long sigh. "I know you always hated talking about this stuff, Spock, Vulcan privacy being what it is and all. But I know you loved Jim a long time before you got bonded. And if you're here from just a year ago, assuming our future hasn't veered off too dramatically, you love him now."

The doctor was right, but Spock saw no need to confirm or deny the allegations. "Your point, Doctor?"

McCoy's lips tightened. "My point, you repressed overgrown elf, is that you love him, he loves you, you two are bonded, so I’m thinking that you belong right here where you can keep an eye on him and keep him alive."

"There is no need to be insulting. And may I point out, that the Leonard McCoy of my time would no doubt be castigating me in similar terms, that my place is with that James Kirk, not this one."

McCoy opened his mouth to respond and then clearly thought better of it. It took him a moment or two to regroup. "But you're not bonded to that James Kirk. He won't die without you."

Anguished eyes looked up at McCoy. "He would be dead many times over if I had not been at his side. You know this to be true."

"The same could be said of him saving your green hide." 

Spock could tell that McCoy was in a mood to argue. "I would not presume to debate that. However, if I stay here, in the future, I may not be there, when he needs me."

"He must have done all right, or we wouldn't be here even having this conversation. Right? I mean, Jim is alive."

"But this Jim had me by his side. In this iteration of the future, I did not go to the future. In fact, it appears as if I am dead."

McCoy scowled. "So, if you go back, this Jim will have to survive without you by his side. That's assuming the severed bond doesn't kill him first. Where's the difference, Spock? Either way, one of them has to do without you. You're bonded with this one. He's the one who needs you the most."

Spock could feel the bond stirring. "The captain is awake."

McCoy stood. "Damn. I better go."

Spock shook his head. "No need. He is on his way."

"That damn fool. He's got no business leaving sickbay yet."

Spock's eyebrow rose as he gave the doctor a mocking glance. "I believe that Captain Kirk has always found it his prerogative to leave sickbay when he chooses to do so. And I also believe that your temper tantrums rarely resulted in him changing his mind."

"My temper tantrums? You--" 

Whatever he was going to say was interrupted by the cabin door sliding open and Kirk striding in. He gave both of them a suspicious look. "What's going on?" 

Spock could feel the bond resonate with the closeness of the captain. It was a fascinating experience. He found himself running the tips of his fingers against each other in response to the almost physiological tingling he felt. The silence penetrated his thoughts and he looked up, realizing that the doctor was leaving it up to him to explain. There was no point in lying; Kirk would be able to determine the truth through the bond. "The doctor and I were merely discussing options."

Kirk snorted. 

McCoy glared at him. "What the hell are you doing out of sickbay? I need to run more tests before you just pick up where you left off. You almost died, man." Then he glared at Spock, as if to dare the Vulcan to accuse him of having a temper tantrum.

Spock lifted an eyebrow. As far as he was concerned, the facts stood for themselves. No accusation was necessary. He felt a moment's satisfaction at the flash of pique in the doctor's eyes. That was followed by a brief surge of shame. McCoy could hardly be blamed for wanting to keep Kirk alive, no matter what the cost. 

Kirk started to placate McCoy. "I'm fine, Bones. You know that. The only reason I was dying was because of the severed bond." He grimaced a bit, avoiding Spock's gaze, but then plowed on. "Now it's back in place." He flashed a beguiling smile at the doctor. "Think of it as me just having had a nice long sleep."

McCoy's eyes glinted with anger. "Don't patronize me, Jim. You may think you have the right to sashay in and out of sickbay as if you own the place, but I'm still CMO. You're confined to quarters and off duty until I say so."

Kirk put up his hands. "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I know this has been rough on you. I had the easy part in some ways." The pain in his eyes gave the lie to that sentence. "But Bones, you can't confine me to quarters. Spock and I need to figure out what happened. We'll need to see his shuttle, and we'll need access to the main computer banks. I'll take it easy, and I'll stay off the bridge, but I can't stay here."

Spock could see McCoy gearing up for a blistering rebuttal and intervened. "I can attest to the Captain's well-being. Perhaps if you ran your tricorder over him, it would assuage your concern."

Muttering, McCoy yanked out his tricorder and ran it down the captain's body. Still muttering, he cast a baleful eye over them both. He settled on Spock. "If anything happens to him, I'm holding you accountable." With a few more muttered homespun expletives, the doctor turned around and after slamming his hand on the door control to open it, left the cabin.

Kirk flashed Spock a wry grin that quickly slid off his face to be replaced by such a look of sadness that Spock could hardly stand it. "Jim." He took a step toward the captain.

Kirk responded to the movement by closing the distance between them, throwing his arms around the Vulcan. "Just hold me."

Spock found his arms tightening around the human, responding to the need resonating through the bond. To turn away at this time would be nothing less than an act of cruelty. Spock wished with all his heart that this man he was holding was the one he was meant to hold. 

He protested when Kirk seemed to be pulling away. But then he felt hands on his face, pulling him down to meet soft lips. The desire took Spock by surprise, Kirk's and his own. It was hard to resist as it sizzled through their bodies and through the bond. A thousand suppressed fantasies came to life, to hold Kirk in his arms, to feel his lips, explore his mouth, touch his body. His Kirk. Not--not this one. He let out a groan and pushed Kirk away. "No. I cannot." He could feel the human's pain at being rejected.

"Spock, please. I need you."

The pain in the voice tore through Spock. He took the human back in his arms and held him tightly. "Jim, I must try to return--"

Kirk put his fingers over Spock's lips to keep him from finishing his sentence. "Shh. Don't. Don't say it. Not yet."

Spock knew it needed to be said and tried again. "Jim--"

The fingers pressed tighter. "Don't."

Spock was taken aback by the anger he saw in the hazel eyes. "I have made you angry. I--I apologize." Spock knew how inadequate those words were. 

Kirk let out a bitter laugh, and he pulled away, shaking his head helplessly. "Oh, Spock. Yes, I'm angry, and sad, and confused. I should be grieving my Spock but I don't know how to do that when you're here. I'm angry at you for keeping your distance, but it's hard to be too angry with you when I know the person you're trying to be loyal to is me." He let out another short laugh. "Nothing like a good time paradox, where I can be jealous as hell of myself." He slumped against the wall. "Maybe you should have just let me die."

Spock shook his head, dismayed. "Do not say that."

"Why shouldn't I say it? If you leave me I'll just have to go through it again, feeling the bond go--losing the sense of you in my mind, in my soul. How can you ask me to do that again?" 

Spock closed his eyes. He didn't honestly think that he could. But he had to try to return. Paradox indeed. Stuck like the proverbial fly in a spider's web. He searched his mind frantically, looking for a solution, any solution. He felt a tug on his hand and looked down to see Kirk pulling on him.

"C'mon. I need to lie down." He pulled Spock toward the sleeping quarters. "Will you let me hold you? I promise not to ask for more than that." He flashed a reassuring smile, meant to charm, but to Spock, it only revealed how hard it had been for Kirk to make that promise.

Spock could not find it within himself to refuse the request. He stopped at the bed, waiting for further instruction, the thought of being in bed with Kirk temporarily short circuiting his simple motor functions.

Kirk sat on the bed, toed his boots off, and then lay down, scooting back until he was on the far side. Then he patted the bed, indicating where he wanted the Vulcan. Spock sat on the bed, and leaned down to take his own boots off. The thought of lying down within Kirk's arms suddenly consumed him with shyness. When his boots were off he continued to sit there. 

After a minute, he felt hands on his shoulder, pulling him down. Spock acquiesced and allowed himself to be positioned until he was lying with his back against Kirk's chest, Kirk's knees tucked against the back of his. His head rested on the upper part of Kirk's left arm, while Kirk's right arm rested lightly across Spock's chest.

The intimacy of the touch was initially alarming, and Spock lay there stiff and still. Kirk spoke softly to him, "You wouldn't remember, but I told you, the first time we did this, that humans call this spooning."

Curious. Spock's eyebrow rose. "Spooning?" Spock felt a hand come up to trace his raised eyebrow. He heard a soft laugh and felt Kirk’s chest vibrate against his back.

"You did that when I told you the last time. Your eyebrow came up. 'Spooning?' you said." The hand found its way back to Spock's chest.

Spock found himself clutching at the hand. "What did you say?"

"I did my best to explain that I thought it came from the way spoons nestle against each other in a drawer."

"What did I say?" Spock found himself captivated by this vignette of another Spock, who spoke and acted exactly as he.

"Curious, these human expressions of yours." He did a remarkably good imitation of Spock.

Spock turned in Kirk's arms enough so he could see his face. There was a soft smile there, though the sadness remained. Then he turned the rest of the way so they were facing each other, Spock's head still on Kirk's arm. "Is there a curious human expression for this position as well?"

Kirk's fingers clutched at Spock's back, then loosened, as if quickly remembering that he didn't have free license to touch this particular Vulcan the way he wanted to. "Not that I know of. Face-to-face, I guess." He lifted his hand and made as if to touch Spock's face. "May I?"

Spock hesitated, then nodded. He closed his eyes as Kirk's fingers started to trace the features of his face. First the sensitive eyelids, then the slanted brows. They moved to his ear, touching the tip, running along the edge to the lobe. Spock opened his eyes as the touch moved to his lips, and then to his jaw. Then the open hand rested on his cheek. "God, I love you so much."

Spock heard the words, and felt the impact. They were a benediction. An absolution. They triggered a yearning in him that made him want to weep. He met the hazel eyes and saw the love there, and allowed, for a moment, the love in his own heart to shine through his return gaze.

Kirk let out a breathy sob. "Oh, God. I wish--" He closed his eyes. "Do you think that maybe my Spock is in your time? That maybe he's alive, and that he'll find his way back here?" He opened them just in time to see the compassion in Spock's eyes, and the truth. Another sob escaped him. "I know; I felt him die. I saw the debris from the shuttle. I just can't--oh, God, I just can't believe that--" 

Spock's throat tightened. "Jim, I--"

Kirk buried his face against Spock's chest. "I can't believe I'll never see him again, or touch him, or hear him tell me that he loves me. I can't believe that he'll never kiss me, or make love to me, or smile at me. Oh, God. Please tell me this is just a nightmare." 

Spock couldn't, as much as he wanted to be able to. He felt the sting of tears in his eyes, the lump in his throat painful. He wrapped his arms around Kirk, holding him close as he wept, wishing he could protect him from this pain, wishing he felt free to simply take that other Spock's place. 

Eventually, the weeping stopped and turned into hiccoughed breaths, and finally into the measured breathing of sleep. Spock didn't dare move, not wanting to wake Kirk, knowing this sleep was a brief but necessary respite before the pain began anew. 

Despite his desire to stay awake and shelter the man in his arms, Spock found himself drifting off, the emotional trauma of the last hours taking its toll. In a few minutes, he succumbed to his fatigue and he was allowed a brief respite as well.

* * *

He woke immediately when Kirk stirred in his arms. Through the bond he could follow the captain's thoughts. First, joy at being in bed with his bondmate's arms around him. Then the sadness, as memory crashed in. Kirk put out a hand as if to move away, but instead of moving he glanced at Spock, speaking softly, "I don't know how long I'll have you, but while I do, can we stay like this?"

Spock tightened his hold. "Yes. I find it soothing as well." And he did, confusing but soothing.

"Spock. Stay. Stay with me. Please."

Spock didn't answer. There was only one answer, and he did not want to voice it. Instead he just rested his cheek on top of Kirk's hair, breathing in his scent, planting the memory securely in his mind, so he would take a piece of this Kirk home with him. 

Kirk let out a long sigh. "I'm sorry. I'll try not to ask again." They lay there together for a while, neither of them speaking, the bond lapping gently between them.

Then, "Jim? May I ask a question?"

"Of course. What is it?"

"If it would be too painful for you to speak of it, you do not need to answer."

"Spock, just ask."

"How did all this happen?"

Kirk pulled away far enough to see Spock's face. "All of this?" He thought for a second and then smiled softly. "You and me, you mean?"

Spock nodded. "As I will probably not experience it for myself, I would be curious to know what prompted the initial conversation."

Kirk's brow furrowed. "Why wouldn't you experience it? If you get back to your own time, you and I will end up bonding."

"No, I will not allow it. Not if my death will result in your death. It is too much of a risk to take."

"It was worth it. Even after everything I went through, it was worth it."

"I cannot risk it. I cannot risk him."

Kirk grabbed Spock's arm in a bruising grip. "It was worth it. Every second we had together made it worth it. Don't deny your Kirk this. Don't deny yourself this. You both need it, you need each other. Promise me, promise me you won't turn your back on it." 

"I am sorry, but I cannot." It broke Spock's heart to say the words, but there was no choice as far as he was concerned. Jim's life was too important.

"How can I let you go if you're going to not only leave me here alone, but then take from me the one thing that meant more to me than anything? If you don't bond, I'll lose it all."

"And you will be spared the pain. When this Spock dies, you will stay alive."

"And be half of what I was with you. Either way, the loss of you will destroy me." Kirk sat up, the grip still tight. "Spock. Listen to me. The love between us was and is strong. There was already a link between us. You saw it in sickbay, when I pushed into your mind. That's what I used to build the bond on. You told me after we bonded the first time that the link had taken you by surprise, that it was clear we would have ended up spontaneously bonding. The only way the two of you won't bond is if you leave the ship. And if you're going to leave the ship, leave that Kirk, then you might as well stay here."

Spock opened his mouth to talk and then snapped it shut. A brow rose and a look of grudging respect crossed his face. "Your logic is quite sound."

Kirk gave him a tight smile. "I try." He looked at Spock earnestly. "Tell me you won't turn your back on this."

Spock sighed. "I will discuss it with him, and explain my concerns, sharing with him what I have seen and learned here. If he is still willing--"

"He will be. I promise you that. Once I found out you were willing, nothing could have stopped me from bonding with you." Kirk rolled out of bed. "I need to use the bathroom. Then seeing as you and he will end up having a very different bonding conversation than you and I did, I'll tell you how it happened for us. All right?"

Spock nodded. After Kirk came back, Spock took his turn, and then they both decided they could use something to eat. Not much was said, but the companionship was easy, both taking pleasure in the presence of the other, both doing their best to push unpleasant thoughts away.

After eating, they moved to the couch. They sat close to each other, Kirk still needing his nearness, and Spock willing to meet the need, knowing that it met his needs as well. Kirk reached up and pulled down the neck of Spock's uniform, running his fingers softly right above his clavicle bone. "It's not there." He smiled sadly at Spock. "My Spock has a scar there. Bones tried to regenerate the tissue, but there was some sort of residue in their saliva, and he couldn't get rid of it."

"I assume you refer to the 'dog-like creatures' that Dr. McCoy spoke of?"

Kirk nodded. "The whole mission was a fiasco. It's nice to think that you might be able to stop it from happening now that you have a little hindsight in your back pocket." Kirk shifted, and laced his fingers through Spock's. "It was just a routine exploration, another typical Class M planet slated for possible colonization. We were the final reviewers before it was classified as habitable."

"I take it things went amiss."

"A certain Vulcan science officer, who shall go unnamed, discovered some unusual readings which were of a concerning nature that hadn't been picked up by any of the previous ships. I decided that we needed to assemble an away team and check it out. I left you on the ship."

The smallest of frowns graced Spock's face. "I did not accompany you?"

Kirk smiled. "You wanted to, of course. But I thought you could monitor our activity better from the ship."

"There is a reason for the expression, 'a captain goes down with the ship'. It is because a captain usually stays with the ship." Spock couldn't keep a small amount of disapproval from showing in his voice. This was an ongoing battle between him and his captain.

"And there is a reason that the most beloved leaders were first in battle, and last in retreat, Spock. I can't just stay on the ship and let my crew face all the danger."

"There are ample opportunities to face danger on the ship. Many of our fiercest battles have occurred while you have been on the bridge, in command of the Enterprise. There is no reason for you to risk yourself in every encounter both off ship and on."

"Let's not have this argument now. We will just, as we always do, have to agree to disagree."

Disgruntled, Spock nevertheless signaled for Kirk to continue his story and found himself the recipient of one of Kirk's brilliant smiles. 

Kirk continued. "What you had found were some areas that the sensors couldn't seem to penetrate. How those other ships missed it is beyond me, although it was no surprise to me that you were the one who discovered the discrepancy. So, off went the away team and you fed us the coordinates to the closest blind spot."

"What did you find?"

"Creatures that wanted to eat us. These dog-like things. Sorry I can't give you a better description than that. None of our equipment worked, not our tricorders, the phasers, not even the communicators. Whatever was blocking the sensors, blocked everything else as well. You determined, after the fact, that it was a new mineral in the rocks and you actually asked for my permission to beam down one last time so you could get a sample."

"A most sensible request if it was truly a new mineral. It would have been illogical to ignore such a scientific discovery."

"It wasn't sensible at all. The dog creatures were still there, in huge numbers, and you'd already been attacked once. I turned down your request and you sulked about it for quite some time."

"Vulcans do not sulk."

"Oh, yes they do." Kirk grinned. "Shall I finish the story or do you want to sulk?" Spock gave him an affronted look and only received a laugh in return.

Spock gave in. "Please continue."

"These creatures were on us before we knew it. Two men went down, and the rest of us ran. I kept us together, afraid that we'd get picked off if we separated. It didn't take long to realize that none of our equipment worked, and that we needed to get back out to where we had last spoken to you. But the creatures were clever and kept us at bay. They fought like a pack, harrowing us from every side, slashing in to make a wound and then pulling back out, trying to weaken us."

Spock's hold on Kirk's hand grew tight. He had to remind himself that Kirk had survived. 

"Two more men were killed. It was time for the cavalry. A very smart, brilliant in fact, cavalry who despite his orders to stay with the ship, decided that his captain needed rescuing, so orders be damned."

Spock knew he was being teased. "I assume that said brilliant officer did indeed rescue his captain?" 

Kirk scowled. "And almost died because of it. You had enough sense to stay on the edges of the area we had entered, so you could remain in contact with the ship, although you came as close as you could. You called out, and immediately half the dogs left us, snarling and snapping their way to you. I yelled out to you to stay away, that everything, including our weapons, had malfunctioned."

Spock knew he probably shouldn't ask but he couldn't help himself. "Did I obey?"

"Of course not. Well, that's not strictly true. You did for a while. You stayed outside the perimeter and as the dogs lunged for you, you were able to pick them off with your phaser. But after a while the dogs caught on, and you had Sulu beam you down a couple of his swords." Kirk gave Spock an approving look. "Another brilliant move, by the way."

Spock accepted the praise with a small curve to his lips. "It was logical."

"What we needed was a few of those tommy guns from Iotia." Kirk waved his hand, continuing the story. "Swords in hands, you plunged into the melee, yelling out that you were coming and for me to keep talking so you could find your way to me." Kirk let out a sigh. "You were a magnificent sight, swords flashing, dogs dying left and right from this unprecedented attack." He batted his eyelashes. "A real hero."

Spock bit his lip to keep himself from either frowning or smiling. He wasn't sure which. "Please continue with the narrative."

"Yes, sir. You fought your way to us and surrendered one of the swords to me. Then, with the rest of the team between us we began to fight our way back out the way we came. We were almost home free when Lieutenant Jasper stumbled. I grabbed for him, but a dog got there first and got a grip on his leg, knocking him away from me." He glared at Spock. 

"I take it my next action did not meet with your approval."

Kirk snickered out an annoyed laugh. "No, it did not. The dogs weren't stupid, they could see we were distracted by the attack and they took full advantage of it. I yelled at you to see that everyone got out of area, where they'd be safe and could be beamed back up to the Enterprise."

"I refused?" Spock couldn't imagine abandoning all hands that way.

"No. Well, not the letter of the order, in any case. You delegated the job to Chekov. Then you came to my rescue, and Mr. Jasper's."

"My first duty is to the safety of my captain."

"And to follow his orders."

"You have just informed me that I ensured that your orders would be carried out. Once that was done, your safety would be of the utmost importance."

"Whether you loved me or not."

Spock hesitated. Then he took a deep breath. "Whether I loved you or not."

Kirk rested his palm on Spock's cheek, his eyes full of love. Then he pulled the hand back, and Spock could feel him tamper down the emotion. "I had already killed the dog that had Jasper's leg, and he had managed to crawl close enough for the other crew to dash in and drag him out. Meanwhile I was being attacked on all sides." He grinned. "They were annoyed, I think, at having so much of their dinner suddenly taken out of their grasp. They had no intention of losing me too."

He touched the side of Spock's neck. "That's when this happened. You were running toward me and saw one of them lunge for my neck. You leaped and got in between us, so it got your neck, instead of mine."

"A most equitable trade."

Kirk gritted his teeth. "Not to me."

"Clearly I survived."

"Only by sheer luck. If you'd been human, you would have been dead. It would have chomped its way through your carotid artery."

"Which is what it would have done to you if I hadn't intervened."

Kirk's eyes darkened. "All I knew at the time was that it had its jaws around your neck, and there seemed to be a lot of green blood. I went a little crazy. Chekov said I killed that dog, and about half a dozen more before he could get back in and help drag you to safety. I don't remember doing any of that. All I remember thinking was that I had to get you out."

"It appears you were successful."

"Yes, but it was too close. You were bleeding like crazy, and unresponsive. Jasper was out too, and I was afraid that you'd both been poisoned. It seemed to take forever until the transporter worked and we could get you both to sickbay, although I know it was only a few seconds. Bones said there was a poison of sorts in both your bloodstreams, a soporific, intended to knock out the victim, and keep them from fighting back. It didn't take him long to reassure me that you were going to be okay, and I got the added bonus of a long winded discourse on Vulcan anatomy and how it saved your hide."

"A Vulcan's body is fairly resilient."

Kirk snorted. "It was luck." He reached out and wrapped his hand around Spock's side, palm resting over Spock's heart. "If it had bitten you here instead, Vulcan strength or no, it would have killed you."

There was more to the story and Spock was anxious to hear it. "I am curious as to what happened next."

"I avoided you. Once I knew you were all right, I didn't come visit you in sickbay. I knew you were asking about me, McCoy read me the riot act about it, but I was a wreck. It had been too close. I've seen you almost die a dozen times, Spock, but when I saw that thing with its jaws around your neck, I--" 

Kirk shook his head. "I thought I'd really lost you, and it threw me. I realized how much you meant to me. Really meant to me. And I had no idea how you felt. I knew I was important to you." He gave Spock a wry grin. "I knew you wouldn't offer yourself up to die in my stead on such a regular basis if I wasn't. And I hoped it wasn't just because I was your captain."

"It was not."

Kirk nodded, accepting Spock's assurance. "At the time, all I could do was hope that was the case. In any event, I needed to think, and I wasn't ready to face you."

Spock could guess what he did next. "When I was discharged, I assume I tracked you down?"

"Yes. I was in my cabin, pacing. The door chimed and I knew it was you. I almost didn't answer it, but it was foolish to think I could keep hiding, especially as I knew I'd have to face you on the bridge the next day. So, I let you in. And as soon as I saw you--" He let out a very soft laugh.

"What did you do?"

"This." Kirk leaned forward and wrapped his arms around Spock. "I hugged you. I couldn't help it. As soon as I saw you I had to touch you. So I did. I put my arms around you and held on tight."

Spock's arms completed the circle. "Did I hold you back?"

"You did. Just like this. And we stood there for the longest time." History repeated itself as the two men sat on the couch, holding each other. Then Kirk pulled his head away. "Then I kissed your scar, like this." He demonstrated, pressing his lips on Spock's neck. His voice was whisper soft. "Then I did it again, but farther up. Like this." He pressed another kiss to the underside of Spock's jaw. Spock knew he should stop this but he felt powerless, swept under by a slowly rising tide of longing.

"You grew so still, but you didn't pull away, so I kept going." The demonstration continued. More kisses were placed on Spock's jaw, his cheek, the soft skin behind his ear. "Then you turned your head like this." Kirk reached out and with his hand, he turned Spock's head, until their lips were millimeters apart.

Spock felt as if he were grappling for a handhold on a steadily deteriorating cliff side. Kirk closed the gap between them, and pressed his lips to Spock's. Letting out a groan, Kirk deepened the kiss, his tongue sweeping inside Spock's mouth, as he shifted their bodies even closer. 

The temptation to succumb was tantalizing. The desire was like nothing Spock had ever experienced, his body felt joyfully alive, his genitals swelling, primal instincts coming to the fore. The human he loved was in his arms, in his mind, touching him, loving him. Spock began to lower Kirk to the cushions on the couch, trying to increase the areas of contact between them.

Kirk helped out by inching down so he was lying flat on the couch. He let out a cry of pleasure when Spock covered him with his body. "Oh, yes, Spock, just like this. This is exactly what happened."

It was the past tense that pulled Spock back. For a teetering moment he almost considered continuing, the feel of the body underneath him, the hands caressing him, speaking to his desire and to the need for completion. Then he pulled his lips away and rested his head on Kirk's shoulder, gasping for breath and for sanity.

Kirk thrust up against him. "Don't stop. Don't stop touching me."

Spock knew he would be lost if he didn't act immediately. He wrenched out of Kirk's grip and stood, taking two steps backward, one hand out as if to ward temptation away.

Kirk let out a frustrated cry and covered his face with his hands. Then he turned away from Spock, curling up on the couch.

Spock stood there, watching Kirk curl up in pain. Spock felt torn, lost, adrift in emotions he had too little experience with. "Jim."

Kirk shook his head, and curled in tighter. "Don't. Just leave me alone for a few minutes."

Spock reluctantly honored the request and he withdrew out of the living area. He stood, bewildered, not sure where to go or what to do. Then the office areas caught his eye. He identified which one had belonged to the other Spock and he entered, sitting down in front of the computer. 

As he reached to turn it on he saw that his hand was shaking. He withdrew it and clasped his hands together in his lap. Closing his eyes he focused on his body, practicing basic biofeedback, slowing down his breathing and his heart rate, assisting them back to normal rhythms. He focused on his blood supply and redirected it from his groin back into his circulating system. It seemed to take a very long time and an inordinate amount of concentration. 

In time, he was nominally successful, and when he reached for the computer again, he was pleased to see that his hand was no longer shaking, or at least, not as much.

* * *

He had barely begun to search through some records when he looked up to find Kirk leaning against the doorjamb. Their eyes met. Spock stayed silent, unsure what he could say that wouldn’t cause more pain.

Kirk gave him a tight smile. “I’m sorry, Spock. I promised you I wouldn’t do that to you, and I did it anyway.”

Spock looked at his captain with compassionate eyes. “There is no need for apologies, Jim. This is difficult for both of us, and there was sufficient cause. In addition, I--I did not stop you when I ought to have.”

That solicited a tight grin. “No you didn’t. God, Spock, we were good together. From the first time we kissed, we were good together."

Spock had absolutely no doubt of that. 

Kirk walked in to the office. “Let me fast forward to the end of the story. We made love that night, and after talking it to death, you bonded us a week later.” He gave Spock a rueful grin. “I was quite persistent.”

“I do not find that hard to believe.”

Kirk snorted out a short laugh. “You wanted it too. I wouldn’t have kept pushing if I didn’t believe that. As usual, you were more concerned for any possible repercussions of a bond on me, not you.”

“I am sure that I would not have initially bonded us if it hadn’t been a state I truly desired.” He paused. "Although I find it difficult to believe that I agreed to a death bond."

"You didn't. Neither of us did. It just happened." He sighed. "And then I did it again."

“You simply recreated what you were familiar with. It was reasonable for you to assume I was your bondmate. You believed you were saving my life as well as your own. If I had given it sufficient thought before starting a meld with you, I might have realized what might happen and entered your mind as a healer would. But, it is irrelevant. What is done, is done.”

“Yes, it is. And while I know that you feel you have to try to get home, and I will assist you, I’m still afraid that the journey will kill you. I’m afraid that as soon as you leave this time, my time, to travel back to your own, that the severed bond will affect you as it did me.”

“It is possible. I have been giving this some thought. I believe we should try to find a Vulcan healer before I attempt this. Perhaps he or she can assist us in this endeavor by blocking the effects so I will have more time before succumbing. And the healer can be at your side when I leave, so the severed bond will not result in your death this time.”

“Spock.”

Spock interrupted him. “Jim, do you truly wish to throw your life away? I understand the bond; I understand the pain of separation. I am no more prepared for your death than you are for mine. However, if it was within your means to hang on to life, would you truly turn away from it?”

Kirk gave the question the consideration it deserved. “No, I suppose I wouldn’t. But, it doesn’t feel as if it would be much of a life without you.”

“Nor mine, without you.”

“The right me.”

“Jim.” Spock’s heart tightened at the look of sadness of his friend’s face.

“No, it’s all right, Spock. I understand.” He pulled up a chair and sat next to the Vulcan, gesturing at the computer. “What have you been looking at?”

“The events you were just relating to me. I was curious as to the aftermath.”

Kirk grinned. “You mean you were horrified that we left a brand new mineral behind us, without even a specimen on hand to study.”

Spock lifted an eyebrow. “I would hardly consider myself horrified, Captain.”

“The Vulcan equivalent, then. But, as I’m sure you found out or would have found out if you’d read that far, at your request a science vessel was sent to investigate the new mineral, and last I heard from my Spock, as all the data was being forwarded to him as a courtesy, they were starting to make some small headway.”

“And the creatures?”

“Also being studied. And the planet, needless to say, has been temporarily taken off the colonization roster.”

Spock was gratified that the discovery was being investigated. He had been somewhat unsettled at the thought that they had walked away from such a scientific discovery. Spock could sense some amusement at his expense through the bond. He tried to ignore the desire and aching need that was also coming through. Despite the leakage, Spock could tell that Kirk was doing his best to shield his feelings. 

“Spock, I’ve been thinking. How did you come to be on that shuttle? In my timeline you didn’t disappear, so what happened to make a difference?”

Spock steepled his hands before him. “I am not certain. It was a last minute decision on my part.”

Kirk frowned and glanced at the computer. “What was the exact star date?”

“5736.7”

Kirk spoke to the terminal. “Computer, show captain’s logs for star date 5736.7.” The computer complied by displaying Kirk’s entry for that date on the screen. 

Only a second after the captain began to read, Spock could feel his increasing agitation. “What is it?”

“Spock, we have to get you back.”

Spock didn’t understand. He glanced at the computer screen again. “I gather that something in this entry has concerned you.” At first glance, all Spock could see was a written report of the captain's frustration with several malfunctions on the ship.

“That's putting it mildly. We almost lost the ship. The anomaly started to move and eventually it engulfed the ship. Everything began to break down. You figured out that we were being affected by some time-phasic displacement. Pieces of the ship were all operating out of sync, as if different molecules were actually existing in different moments in time.” 

“Curious.”

Kirk snorted. “Yes, you were quite fascinated at the time, but the point is that without you on the ship, it would have exploded. The engines were breaking down, the anti-matter holding tanks were leaking because, according to you, the space between the molecules of all the solid matter on the ship was becoming undependable. Nothing was holding its shape consistently.”

Spock bit his bottom lip. “I am sure you would have determined the cause and ascertained how to repair the damage in my absence. There is no one who knows more about the Enterprise and how she functions.”

Kirk was shaking his head. “I appreciate the confidence, Spock, but this was way beyond me. You were the only one with the knowledge to figure out what was happening. You worked on the problem for 36 hours straight before you came up with a solution, while the rest of us bought you time racing around trying to keep the ship from falling to pieces around us.”

“What was the solution?”

“I still don’t completely understand it. You developed a solution that you fed to the main computer after having us fly right smack in the middle of the anomaly again. For some reason, while we were in the anomaly, the molecules of the ship were all operating fully in correct time and the phasic disparities were manifesting as co-existing different times, as if the entire Enterprise was complete and whole in one individual universe layered on top of other Enterprises, but all a few seconds off. We could see them, like shadow selves, working on the bridge, scrambling down Jeffries tubes.” 

He shook his head at the memory. “You used some theorem on anti-time that you were working on and decided that the ship would be safe while in the anomaly. It was only outside of it that the shadow selves started to merge, leaving holes in everything. Then you--” Kirk frowned, lost for words, and then waved his hand around, “--you waved your magic wand and fixed it.”

Spock’s eyebrow rose. “Hardly a scientific explanation, Captain.”

Kirk rolled his eyes and shrugged in surrender. "You can read my Spock's reports. I'm sure it will make perfect sense to you. Maybe that's what happened to you, Spock. Maybe you got caught in one of those shadow times and you sort of slipped sideways."

"That is, of course, possible, but it is still a year in the future. According to your description, those shadow universes were only seconds off from what we would have considered the 'right' time."

Kirk's lips tightened. "It doesn't really matter. What does matter is that you have to get back or your Enterprise will fall apart and take your Kirk with it."

Spock held Kirk's gaze. "And thereby killing you as well."

Kirk gave him a tight smile. "It doesn’t matter. What does matter is getting you back. Then you can save the Enterprise, and then save yourself, so I don't lose you a year later."

Spock wanted to argue Kirk's point about his death not mattering, but he let it go. "Logic would dictate that we find another anomaly, as I suspect within it lies the way back to my own time."

"I agree." He reached across the desk to hit the intercom. "Mr. Sulu."

_"Sulu here."_

"Check the navigation logs starting with stardate 5736.7 until you find Spock's algorithm for locating the space anomaly we were chasing at the time. Then, run the program."

_"If we locate one, should I lay in a course?"_

"Affirmative."

_"Aye, aye, Captain."_

Kirk flipped off the intercom. "You'll need to set that algorithm for the shuttlecraft as well, in case we run out of time."

"It is also essential that we attempt to locate a Vulcan healer. Perhaps at the nearest Starbase."

Kirk shook his head. "We can't afford to waste the time. If your time is running at the same rate as ours, you only have a little over a day to get back before the situation deteriorates past the point of repair."

"It is also possible that when the Jim Kirk of my time saw my shuttle disappear that he took evasive action and avoided the anomaly completely."

"Possibly, but we can't afford to take that chance."

"There is, however, no reason we cannot be searching for a Vulcan healer concurrently to this other search. If an anomaly is found we can always change course."

Kirk considered Spock for a moment, then nodded. He pressed the intercom again. "Kirk to McCoy."

There was a moment's pause. _"McCoy here, Jim."_

"I'd appreciate it if you'd start looking for a Vulcan healer."

The voice was rich in satisfaction. _"First sensible thing you've said all day. I'll get right on it."_

Again, Kirk released the intercom button and looked at Spock. "Satisfied?"

Spock nodded. "I find any strategy that will save your life to be eminently satisfying."

Kirk blew out a breath. Spock could feel a resurgence of sadness through the bond. Kirk pointed at the desk. "You keep your empty disks in the second drawer. Make a copy of your logs. It will save time once you get back if you have the solution in hand."

Spock silently obeyed by opening the drawer and pulling out a disk. He slipped it into its receptacle and gave instructions to copy any logs that made reference to the anomaly. His eyes read the type as it raced across the screen, ensuring that all pertinent information was being saved. Kirk started to head out of the office. Spock glanced up at him. "Captain?"

Kirk pointed to his own office. "I have some things I want to take care of, just in case we don't find a Vulcan healer in time. I have some messages to tape. I didn't have time for goodbyes last time."

Spock's eyes grew dark with pain at the thought of this man's death, but he simply nodded, and watched him as he moved to his own office, shutting the door behind him.

* * *

Several hours later, they were both in the main computer bay, running different sequences, trying to find any additional helpful information. A shudder ran through the ship.

Kirk was on the intercom immediately. "What the hell was that?"

_"It's Scott here, Cap'n. I don't understand it. There's nothin' out there."_

uuot;Put the view screen through to the main computer." 

_"Aye, Sir."_

Spock and Kirk waited for the image. It was just as Scott had said. Nothing but the pinprick of stars. Kirk frowned. "Could there be a cloaked ship out there?"

"Anythin's possible, but nobody fired at us. There's no weapon signature, and no damage of any kind showin' up on ship's sensors."

A second shudder almost knocked Kirk off his chair. Only Spock's strong grip kept him in place. "I'm on my way to the bridge." He flipped the intercom off and headed for the door, Spock directly behind him. When the third shudder shook the ship, they both started to run.

As they approached the turbolift, Spock saw something out of the corner of his eye. He grabbed the captain and pulled them both to a stop. "Jim." He pointed down the hallway from which they had just come.

Kirk turned and let out a sound of dismay. The walls were fading in and out. He turned in alarm to Spock. "We're out of time."

Spock nodded. "It would appear your hypothesis was correct and that the past has, indeed, caught up to us."

Kirk yanked Spock into the turbolift. "We have to get you to your shuttlecraft." He pulled on the lever. "Hangar deck." The turbolift began to move. 

Spock pulled Kirk closer to him as the front door of the lift grew momentarily indistinct.

Kirk kept a tight hold of Spock but he leaned forward and pressed the intercom button. "Mr. Sulu?"

_"Aye, Captain?"_

"Download that search algorithm to the Galileo, immediately."

"Aye, Sir."

Kirk looked at Spock. "You have that disk?"

Spock held it up. "Yes."

Kirk took a look at it, and let out a choice curse. He pounded on the wall. "Come on, come on," he irrationally yelled at the lift. Move."

Spock suddenly realized his concern. It was a disk from the Enterprise; it too would disintegrate. His own heart was pounding as he tried to ignore what was happening around him. This Jim Kirk would be dead soon. It was more than he could cope with. He pulled Kirk fully into his arms and held him close. 

A few seconds later the turbolift arrived on the hangar deck. Kirk lifted a hand and cupped Spock's cheek gently, his eyes full of love. Then, grabbing Spock's arm, he sprinted toward the Galileo. They had to change direction a couple of times as the floor seemed to vanish almost right beneath their feet, but in less than a minute they were boarding the craft.

Kirk began to bark out orders. "Get this thing on and the life support up and running. Give me the disk." He took it from Spock and slammed it into the computer, giving the verbal order. "Computer, download entire disk, save under name of Kirk/emergency solution." The smaller engines came on line, the slight draft from the internal air handlers indicating the shuttle's systems were functioning. He glanced at Spock. "Can you find the algorithm Sulu sent through?"

"Yes, it is right here."

"Start it. We don't know how long you'll be conscious. You need to have everything set on autopilot. I didn't last long after you--after my Spock died." 

Spock could see the wisdom in that, and he gave orders to the computer to start the program to search for the anomaly. That way, even if he were unconscious, the shuttle would continue its mission. He gave further orders for the shuttle to adjust its settings automatically and fly an intercept course. 

Kirk glanced out the side porthole. The effects were stronger now. Everything was fading in and out. He called the bridge. "Scotty."

_"Cap'n? The ship's fadin' away!"_

Kirk could hear the anxiety in the Scotsman's voice. "I know, Mr. Scott. It's because Spock is here and not where he needs to be. I need to send him back to keep this from happening."

There was a strangled cry through the intercom. _"It's startin' to affect the crew."_

Kirk clenched his fists and then cautiously looked down at his body as if afraid it might not be there. "Just sit tight, Scotty." Spock could feel Kirk's conflicting needs. The one, to be up on the bridge offering solace to his crew, to be with them at the end, the other, knowing that it was here he had to be, not only to protect his mate, but to save them all.

Spock could actually feel himself start to panic. At Mr. Scott's words he had cast desperate eyes on Kirk, fully expecting him to simply fade from sight. This was happening too fast. There was still too much that needed to be said. 

Kirk was looking around, making sure every contingency had been planned for. He grabbed a computer pad and waved it at Spock. "Is this from the Galileo?" Spock nodded. Kirk grabbed the stylus and started writing furiously.

"What are you writing?"

"A note to myself. And don't worry, Mr. Spock, if you return to your time in sound mind and body, you can pitch it out a porthole." He got back to his writing.

  
Spock checked the computer one more time, holding on as the big ship around him shuddered and groaned. He glanced up and let out a cry as Kirk grew indistinct for a few seconds. When he was back in full form, Kirk just scribbled faster and then signed his name. He threw the pad onto the counter and moved to where Spock sat. He straddled Spock on his chair, wrapping his arms around him. "Spock, I'm counting on you. Get back to the other me, save the ship, keep this future from ever happening." 

He pressed his lips feverishly to the Vulcan's. "Bond with that me. Keep my Spock safe for me." His lips touched Spock everywhere he could reach.

Spock held him tightly, and then even harder as Kirk started to fade. He let out a distraught cry. "No. Don't leave me."

"I love you, Spock. I'll always love you."

Spock held him so tightly he knew he should be cracking ribs. But it didn't help. Slowly, inexorably, Kirk disappeared and Spock was left holding nothing. 

Spock futilely grabbed at the air around him, in a desperate hope that Kirk might reappear, not truly believing that Kirk could really be gone. He caught a glimpse of darkness and shoved away from the console, walking to the closest porthole. All he saw was empty space. The Enterprise was gone. Jim was gone. The bond was gone. Inside his mind was emptiness as great as that surrounding the Galileo. It threatened to consume him. He could feel its maw, the hot fetid breath of a loneliness that would sear his soul from his body. 

The loss was more than he could bear. He sank to his knees, his forehead resting against the cool interior bulkhead of the shuttle. He almost allowed the oblivion to pull him down. But by sheer dint of will, he forced himself up to check on the computer one more time. After ascertaining that there was nothing else he could do, he sank to the floor again, and surrendered to the pain.

* * *

Kirk felt numb. It just wasn't possible that Spock could be gone. His shuttle had been there one second and gone the next. But several hours had gone by, and there was still no sign. Nothing. And despite evasive maneuvers, the anomaly that seemed to have swallowed Spock's shuttle had engulfed the Enterprise. Even though it was gone now, the ship's systems were starting to break down.

He had looked through Spock's logs, hoping to find some answers there, but all the reports that seemed apropos were scientific mumbo-jumbo that made little sense to Kirk. He ran a few of the equations through the computer but it seemed as confused by Spock's notations as Kirk was. He muttered under his breath. "Damn it, Spock. Where are you?" 

His need for the Vulcan was operating at two levels. The first need, the acute one at the moment, was pragmatic in nature. He needed the services of his science officer. He needed access to that enormous intellect and repository of knowledge. Kirk was more than capable of command decisions, possessing a razor sharp intuition, and he wasn't an intellectual slacker in his own right. But he knew when more was needed. It was part of what made him a good commander. He surrounded himself with the very best, and he knew when to rely on them. And right now, he needed to be relying on Spock.

"Engineering to the Cap'n."

"Kirk here, go ahead Mr. Scott."

Scotty's voice started breaking up and Kirk could only hear about every third word. All communications on the ship were being affected. Bones had called earlier to complain that none of his scanners were working. Kirk interrupted the engineer's tirade. Even with just one word out of three, it was clear it was serious. "Mr. Scott. I'm on my way." He flicked off the intercom and stood. Just for a second, everything looked fuzzy. He rubbed his eyes and when he opened them again, everything appeared normal. Just to be sure it wasn't just him he turned to his crew. "Did anyone else see that?"

Uhura looked up at him gratefully, as if glad to get this proof that she wasn't going crazy. "I thought I saw everything vibrate for a second."

Kirk tapped his fingers on the back of his chair. Then he addressed the bridge crew. "Eyes alert. Make note of any other occurrences. I'll be down in Engineering. Mr. Sulu, you have the comm.

"Aye, Sir."

Kirk entered the turbo lift and spoke. "Engineering." The doors closed and the lift began to move. His other need for Spock was personal and his absence had started an ache in his heart that kept growing stronger. Spock. His best friend, his truest friend. And the one being in the universe he loved, wanted, yearned for with all the passion in his body and soul. 

He was sure Spock loved him too. He'd seen the softness in the dark eyes, the protracted glances, acknowledged the occasional touches, and the unspoken need to spend more and more time together. The promise of what they could be was an irresistible lure and both he and Spock had gladly been giving in to it, drawing ever nearer to each other. 

Kirk closed his eyes. Spock was gone, with no trace, and no tracks to follow. And he was gone from inside Kirk's head as well. The two of them had never discussed it, but Kirk could sense Spock. It was just the slightest of background noises, but the feel of him was always there. And now it wasn't. He kept searching for it, like probing an empty tooth socket. And every time he would be faced anew with the loss.

He wanted to hide in his cabin and get drunk, he wanted to go to the gym and punch something, he wanted to fall to his knees and rail at the universe, but he did not have the luxury of time for any of that. His ship was under attack. 

The lift arrived and the door opened. As he stepped out, things grew fuzzy again. He looked more closely and decided he liked Uhura's term better. Everything was vibrating. He reached out to touch the wall and for a moment his fingers slid right through it. Some instinct made him jerk his hand back and the wall was solid again. He didn't like to think what might have happened if the wall had solidified around his fingers. 

He hit the intercom. "All hands. This is the Captain. There is an unexplained phenomenon occurring on the ship. Solid objects seem to be vibrating, making them less than solid. Do not, I repeat, do not attempt to touch any of these surfaces. Kirk out." Kirk could do nothing about that certain percentage of crew who would do it anyway, despite the warning, but he'd done what he could. 

Kirk proceeded rapidly to Engineering. "Mr. Scott."

Scotty looked up in relief. "Och, Cap'n. I'm that glad to see ye."

"Report."

"I heard your announcement. It's been happening here, to the engines. I canna explain why."

"You said something about the antimatter pod."

"Aye. We took some readings, and every time that vibration occurs, there's been some leakage through the confinement fields. Just a miniscule amount, but you get enough matter and antimatter floating around--" He just gave Kirk a speaking glance.

"I get the picture." Kirk ran a hand over the lower part of his face as his eyes roamed over the engine room. "If it continues at this rate, how many episodes can we go through before we have enough antimatter to spark an explosion?"

"Och. I don't know exactly. A dozen, maybe."

"I need a better answer than that, Mr. Scott."

"I've got my best crew timin' the episodes and measurin' the leakage. There haven't been enough for me to predict the future."

"I need that prediction as soon as possible." He ran another eye over the antimatter pod. "We might need to eject the pod."

"That will leave us stranded." Scotty looked horrified, as if he'd been asked to leave one of his children on the side of the road.

"I realize that. But it will also leave us alive. We can put out a mayday and someone will come along to tug us home."

Scotty looked affronted at the very thought. "Or someone unfriendly might respond and here we'd be, like a sittin' duck."

"Just get me that information. I need to know what I'm dealing with." Not that it would matter if everything started to fall apart. Just then, the vibration returned. Kirk snapped out a warning to all the crew within hearing. "Don't touch anything." Everyone was still until it passed.

A female ensign called out. "Mr. Scott. We lost 19 AMU that time."

Scotty looked grim. "It's increasin'. Every time a little more."

"Can we put a second confinement field around the pod, or a stronger magnetic seal?" Kirk suggested.

"Aye, we can try." He started barking out orders and his staff rushed to comply. 

The intercom let out a chirp. _"Bridge to Captain Kirk."_ Sulu's voice was unusually excited.

"Kirk, here."

"It's Mr. Spock's shuttle. It's back."

Kirk's heart leapt in his chest. "Kirk to Galileo, Spock, can you hear me?" There was no response. "Sulu, has Uhura been able to make contact?"

"No, Sir. It's just sitting there."

"Get a tractor beam on it, bring it in."

"Aye, Captain."

Kirk turned to the engineer. "Keep things under control in here."

"I'll do my best." Scott ran a hand through his dark hair and turned back to his engines.

Kirk headed for the hangar deck. He impatiently watched as the tractor beam slowly pulled the shuttlecraft in. His fists clenched impotently as the tractor beam occasionally fritzed in and out, and once he thought it was gone completely and that the Galileo would smash into the side of the ship. But then the array was back, and the shuttlecraft was finally on board. 

He suddenly realized McCoy was standing behind him. He gave him a brief smile, and then focused his eyes on the dial that would indicate the hangar bay was pressurized again giving him permission to enter. The second it was in the green, Kirk was sprinting across the bay and slamming his hand on the control to open the smaller craft. 

The first thing he saw was Spock on the ground, curled up into a fetal position. He yelled for McCoy. "Bones!" He touched his friend and could have wept with relief to find that he was still warm. For a paralyzing second, he had been sure that Spock was dead. 

Bones was at Spock's side now, running a tricorder over him. "There's nothing physically wrong with him, but he's in a deep coma. His brain waves are almost flat."

"Can you do something for him?" Kirk couldn't take his eyes from the pale face, the too still body.

"Well, if the waves get much flatter his organs will start to fail. I can put him on life support until we figure out what happened."

"Do it."

McCoy reached for the intercom. "McCoy to sickbay. I need a stretcher and a transport team to the hangar bay immediately." He glanced up at Kirk to see how he was doing. He knew his friend's emotions for the Vulcan ran deep.

Kirk was at the console, trying to determine where Spock had come from, what had happened. What he found made no sense. It looked as if Spock had set the shuttlecraft to find the anomaly and run right through it. He slammed his fist down on the console. "Damn."

"Jim, you gonna be able to hold it together?"

Kirk just glared at McCoy. "What happened to him? What's happening to us?" He felt so helpless. Getting up he began to prowl the small craft, resisting the urge to get down on his knees by Spock and pull the comatose Vulcan into his arms, just to feel his warmth. He leaned against the far counter, shoving a computer pad out of his way. 

Then something about it caught his eye. It looked like his writing. He picked it up and his eyes widened as he began to read.

JT,

If you've never taken anything on faith before, you need to believe this. If you're reading this you're in deep shit. It means that your ship is falling apart, and Spock is dead or dying.

And, by the way, I'm you, a future you, although when you start messing with timelines everything's a crapshoot.

Kirk sensed movement and he realized that McCoy was standing next to him, reading along, his eyes wide with disbelief. 

Okay, ship first. You're dealing with anti-time. I downloaded the information that my Spock came up with that saved the ship. It's under Kirk as a file. Just feed it into the main computers and navigation. It will search for the closest space anomaly like the one that caused all this trouble. I know it sounds wrong, but run the ship right through it while you run the solution Spock put together. Trust me on this, pal. Or trust Spock. This was his brainchild, and it saved my ship, our ship.

Kirk moved to the console, pad in hand, and began to search the records, looking for the file he needed. He felt a surge of relief when he found it and opened it up, scanning it briefly. Spock mumbo-jumbo. He pressed the intercom. "Mr. Sulu." 

"Aye, Captain." 

"Pull up the shuttlecraft computer records and find the file Kirk/emergency solution. Then download it into the main computers and the navigation controls and execute. Maximum speed."

_"Aye, Sir."_ There was a pause _. "Downloading now."_ Another few seconds. _"New course laid in at maximum speed."_

"Thank you, Mr. Sulu." Kirk could feel the big ship gently turn and the engines pulse. He gave silent thanks for a bridge crew that knew when to ask questions, and when to just obey.

McCoy gestured at the pad. "Does it say anything about what happened to Spock?"

Kirk furrowed his brow and then realized he still had a death grip on the pad. He looked down and began to read again.

I'm running out of time. I can barely hold the stylus anymore. Spock and I are bonded. My mistake. I thought he was my Spock. He'll explain, I hope. The severed bond will kill him if it hasn't already. I know that, because it almost killed me. It would have if your Spock hadn't shown up.

Kirk felt a moment of pathological jealousy. Bonded? His eyes were dark when he looked at McCoy. "It's a severed bond." The medical team arrived but Kirk had them hold off as he continued to read.

If you really are me from a year ago, I know you love him, and he loves you, so get in his head and use the link that's already there between the two of you to get through to him. Once he knows you're there, he'll take care of the rest, he won't be able to help it. And yes, you'll end up bonded. It's what you both want, so don't think, just do it.

I want you to know I tried pretty hard to get him to stay with me, but you're the one he wants. My Spock is dead. Make sure it doesn't happen to your Spock. A year from now, when Spock decides he's going to take the newly refitted shuttle out for a test run, don't let him go. There wasn't enough left of the shuttle to figure out why it exploded.

I’m out of time.

JTK

Kirk looked down at Spock. Bonded. Dying of a severed bond. He looked at his hand, wondered if he could find a way into Spock's mind. If he could take the time. He pressed the intercom. "Engineering."

"Scott here."

"Update, Mr. Scott?"

"The new confinement shield seems to be workin'."

"You feel the situation is currently under control?"

"For the time bein'. But it's still too soon to--" _The chief engineer paused._

"Yes, still too soon to predict the future. Understood." He flicked off the intercom.

McCoy was watching Kirk carefully, every instinct on alert. "Just what are you planning?" Kirk handed the pad to the doctor and let him read it for himself. McCoy gave him a disbelieving look. "Are you out of your damn mind? He's too far gone. He'll just drag you down with him."

"I have to try. I can't just let him die, not when I can help."

"He'd be the first one to tell you no if it was going to put you in danger."

"And he'd be the first one to put himself in danger to save my life."

McCoy scowled. "I'm not going to be able to talk you out of this, am I?"

Kirk shook his head. "I have to try." He had to. His heart and soul were on the line.

McCoy shooed the medical team out of the shuttlecraft and closed the door behind them. He held up the pad. "You read this. You'll end up bonded. Is that what you want?"

Kirk gave McCoy a sad smile. "Yes. It's what I want. I've wanted it for a while now. I love him."

"Is it what he'd want?"

"I think so. We hadn't spoken of it, but I believe we were heading that way." He gestured at the pad in McCoy's hand. "According to that other me, we already have a link. I've felt it." He glanced down at Spock, and suddenly realized that he could feel it again. He closed his eyes and sank into it for a moment. "It's back. Thank God, it's back." Suddenly he was sure he could do this.

Wanting to take immediate advantage of his confidence, not sure how long it would last, Kirk crouched down by Spock's side and put his hand on the Vulcan's face. Then he lifted one of Spock's hands and pressed the long fingers against his own cheek and temple. He gave McCoy one more glance, took in his worried gaze, gave him a tight smile, and closed his eyes.

Kirk used the words he'd heard Spock say and mentally projected them. My mind to your mind, my thoughts to your thoughts. He envisioned the bridge that he always saw when Spock was connecting them. Kirk hoped that the mental construct would prove equally effective without Spock's assistance.

Every other time he'd been invited into the Vulcan's mind, whether for duty or pleasure, it had been a visual delight. Spock's mind was like a prism, multi-faceted, with both the clear crystal of organization and logic, and the flashes of color that denoted his curiosity, humor, and emotions. It had captivated Kirk and coupled with the Vulcan's gentle welcome and affection, from the very first it had felt like a second home to him. Every time Spock had withdrawn from the mental connection it had been much too soon for Kirk and had left him wanting more.

But now, all he saw was a muted darkness. Kirk didn't think he had ever felt quite so alone. And yet, Kirk felt a contradictory moment of hope, when he realized that he was in Spock's mind. And that meant Spock's essence must also be here. Tucked away deeply to account for all the darkness, but here. Shunting aside his own emotional response to the bleakness of the mental environment in which he found himself, Kirk began to search.

He visualized a house, and began to walk through every room, opening closed doors, peeking inside closets. The house grew larger, adding floors as he ran up stairway after stairway. Empty. Every room was empty. Kirk began to feel nervous and, as time went by, he found himself fighting off a welling panic. He started to yell. //Spock. Spock, it's me, Jim.//

Nothing. He tried again. //Spock. It's okay. You're safe now. Come out and talk to me. Please. // Still nothing. Kirk leaned against a wall, taking deep breaths, trying to think, trying to imagine where Spock would have retreated. He slid down the wall into a crouch, running his hand over the bottom half of his face. //Spock, where the hell are you?//

Then he felt it. His link. His link to Spock. It tugged at him, like a fishing line with a bite on it. It drew him to his feet, and he turned to find a new hallway, where a solid wall had stood only minutes before. Without hesitation he headed for the door at the end of the hallway, but on trying the doorknob, he found it locked. 

Kirk suddenly knew he was running out of time; that Spock was running out of time. Hoping that using force here wouldn't injure the Vulcan's mind, he kicked at the door hard with his foot until it slammed open. Spock was lying on the floor curled around what looked like a blackened, charred tree stump that was almost as thick around as the Vulcan's torso. The room held nothing else.

As Kirk watched, spellbound, as the link that had led him here began to extend from his body. As it touched the stump, it looked like a strand of shimmering gold. Kirk could feel his connection to Spock grow.

Moving closer, he got down on his knees. //Spock.// Kirk reached out a hand and touched the Vulcan's shoulder. //Spock. It's me, Jim.// Kirk shifted to a sitting position and pulled Spock up, resting him against his chest. Kirk watched the link, almost as if in response to the physical touch, send out new golden tendrils to more firmly attach itself to the stump. He reached out gingerly to feel the remains of what must have been Spock's bond with the other Kirk. It trembled in response to his touch.

Knowing he really had no idea what he was doing, but trusting his instincts, Kirk shifted himself until he was leaning against the stump, Spock lying almost in his lap, head resting in the hollow of his shoulder. Kirk wrapped one arm tightly around his friend. //Spock. Come back. Everything's all right now.// He laced his fingers through Spock's and laid both their hands on the stump. //Please, don't leave me.// 

The tendrils from Kirk's side of the link began to weave themselves around the laced fingers, binding them together. Small silver shoots began to sprout from the stump and interweave themselves with the gold. Kirk, his heart full of awe, knew he was watching the bond heal itself, and knew that Spock would be all right. He called again. //Spock.//

The body in his arms stirred. //Jim?//

Kirk clutched Spock tighter. //Yes, it's me.//

//You are not dead?//

//No, I’m alive. As are you.// Kirk's heart was so full of joy at this simple statement of fact it was almost painful.

There was a moment of silence, then a halting plea. //You are--my Jim?//

Kirk let out a half laugh, half sob. //Yes, very much your Jim.//

Spock pulled away enough so he could look at Kirk. He glanced at their bound hands, at the stump putting out new shoots of silver, of the entwining bands of gold. 

Kirk smiled gently at Spock's confusion. //I’m here with you in your mind. You got back, you came back to me.//

Spock's brow furrowed, as if deeply concentrating. Then he closed his eyes.

Kirk could feel him testing the bond. He could feel the Vulcan's fear as he probed the place inside of himself that had died, and then he felt Spock's wonder as he found it coming to life. Before he could sense Spock's intention, Kirk was grabbed and, their bodies pressed together, they fell back on the stump. 

Kirk expected to slam into a solid object, but they fell right through it, and then all Kirk knew was Spock. Spock was inside of him, and outside of him, surrounding him, and completing him. It was as if a geyser blew directly underneath him, lifting him from the earth, filling him with its life giving essence. And then came the desire, the wanting, and the loving, so strong, so powerful and alluring, that Kirk wouldn't have been able to refuse the demand even if it hadn't already been his heart's desire. 

Everything that was Kirk just said yes. The questions came from Spock like rapid fire. //You are here? You are my Jim? You are mine? You desire me? You love me?// The inquiries weren't insecure, or hesitant, they were simply an affirmation. They were full of a sparkling joy, and came in response to the omnipresent yes Kirk was exuding with all the love in his heart.

And then surrounded by strands of gold and silver, as if at the most resplendent New Year's Eve party, Spock kissed him. The desire ripped through Kirk, setting him on fire, and he rolled them both until he was covering Spock with his body, sweeping his tongue inside Spock's mouth, needing the communion of lips and teeth and tongues. 

Kirk was consumed with desire. His own desire, Spock's desire, his response to Spock's desire, Spock's response to his, each layer another liter of liquid fuel thrown onto a raging bonfire. Kirk gasped, trying to catch his breath, one hand skimming up under Spock's tunic, needing to feel skin. Spock's hands moved down Kirk's body, cupping his ass, pressing him close, pressing hardened, eager cocks together. Kirk moaned into Spock's mouth, capturing one of Spock's cries.

In the midst of the inferno, Kirk heard his name being called. He ignored it. This was all he needed. This was what Spock needed. Desire, completion, unity. Two made one. The voice grew more insistent, calling both their names. "Spock, Jim. Snap out of it."

Kirk allowed the thought to intrude. Snap out of it? Snap out of what? 

"Jim! Holy Toledo, you guys are gonna embarrass me out of a decade of life. Spock, come on."

Kirk felt someone nudge him. He could feel through the bond that Spock was now aware of the intrusion. Kirk was surprised by an uncharacteristic surge of anger coming from the Vulcan. //Someone is with us.// Kirk could feel Spock's anger grow, the emotion primal, the basic need to protect his mate strong.

He swept his hand down Spock's back, reassuring him across the bond as to his safety. Then Kirk put two and two together. //Oh, God. It's Bones.// Kirk looked down at their bodies. //Are we doing this for real? In front of him?//

Kirk wrestled with the longing to finish what they had started, to reassure Spock, to gently eradicate the residual ache he could still feel lurking in Spock's mind, a painful remnant of the severed bond. It was too soon to be separating; Spock needed more time. But lying on the shuttlecraft floor, in front of Bones, wasn't exactly the ideal place or circumstances. 

Seeing the anxiety in Spock's eyes, Kirk lowered his head again to kiss the look away. He didn't want that look on Spock's face, or to feel it in Spock's mind. Not about him. //Spock, are you all right? Will you be all right if we pull out of this? I just remembered that we're--well, we're sort of in a public place.//

Spock raised an eyebrow. //Where?//

Kirk ran a loving finger over the eyebrow. His hand continued its exploration and moved to an elegantly pointed ear. //We're on the Enterprise, in the shuttlecraft, with Bones.// He wanted to taste that ear. Despite their conversation, the desire had barely abated. Kirk felt Spock's hands squeeze his ass again, and he let out a groan.

The voice would not be silent. "Shit, where's a damn fire hose when you need one?"

Kirk was startled that he had forgotten so easily. Bones. The shuttlecraft. //"Spock, will you be all right? Can you bring us out?"//

Reluctantly acquiescing, Spock began to withdraw them from the meld.

Kirk could feel reality coalesce around them. He experienced the usual pang he always felt when Spock mentally pulled away. But this time Spock was still there, in his mind, in his heart. And beneath him. Kirk opened his eyes and looked down at Spock. He could still feel the desire, both his own and Spock's. It zinged between them, resonating through the bond and everywhere their bodies were touching. 

He fought the temptation to kiss Spock again. Instead he just smiled at the Vulcan, speaking softly. "Hey. Welcome back." 

"Have you two cut it out, yet? Can I open my eyes?" McCoy asked plaintively.

Kirk reluctantly rolled off Spock. He bit back a groan as his still engorged cock rubbed against Spock's thigh, and barely resisted the urge to roll back on. He sighed. "Yes, Bones, you can open your eyes." 

He watched as McCoy opened his eyes and then swept them both from head to toe, taking in Kirk's erection, and then Spock's, both quite obvious. He rolled his eyes. "I never thought I'd see a case of human or Vulcan spontaneous combustion during my professional lifetime, but the two of you came awfully damn close."

Spock rose to his feet and assisted Kirk up. Kirk could feel that the Vulcan was not ready to relinquish his touch. Neither was Kirk. Their eyes met, and the lure of the bond pulled their bodies together again, arms snaking around backs, lips touching.

"For the love of Pete, will you stop already?"

Spock glared over the top of Kirk's head at McCoy. "Perhaps you might consider leaving."

McCoy defended himself. "Hey, I'm the last one to stand in the way of romance, in all its shapes and sizes."

"All evidence to the contrary." Spock's voice was frosty.

McCoy scrunched his face up. Determined to get his point across, he appealed to Kirk. "Jim, the ship. Remember? Space anomalies? Disappearing shuttlecrafts--starting to ring a bell?"

Kirk let out a long breath and pushed away from Spock. He shook his upper body and head out, like a dog shaking off a coat full of water. "Okay, okay." Kirk could still feel Spock's longing in his mind, and could sense his body, only inches away. The longing was echoed in his mind and body, and the pull for union was almost irresistible. He took a few more steps back, until he was against the wall. Finding some inner strength he pointed at Spock, and then at the chair behind the console. "You, sit there."

McCoy snorted.

Spock shook his head. Kirk could feel the bond begin to vibrate with a desperate need. In addition to Spock's longing, Kirk could feel a swell of sadness and fear from the Vulcan. Experiencing an urgent need to console him, he took a step toward Spock. The intercom chimed. _"Bridge to Captain Kirk."_

His eyes on Spock, Kirk flicked the wall intercom toggle. "Yes, Mr. Sulu?"

"Captain, I've located an anomaly. ETA one hour and eighteen minutes."

Kirk found himself getting lost in Spock's eyes, in Spock's desire, and the unexpected anguish. It was essential he alleviate his friend's--his bondmate's distress. He cleared his throat. "Thank you, Lieutenant. I'll be on the bridge shortly."

"Aye, aye, Sir."

He took another step toward Spock. McCoy put his hand on Kirk's arm. "Aren't you moving in the wrong direction?" The door was behind McCoy.

Moving fast, Spock yanked Kirk away from McCoy's grip, pulling him into the safety of his arms, his back against the Vulcan's chest.

Kirk patted Spock's arms reassuringly, and gestured with his head for McCoy to leave. "I need to talk to Spock alone for a minute." Spock nuzzled at Kirk's neck and Kirk let out a small moan of pleasure.

McCoy shook his head. "I really don't think that's a good idea. You're barely keeping it together, and he's worse off than you are. If you don't let go of him, or make him let go of you, the two of you will be all over each other like white on rice."

"Bones, please. Give me five minutes. If we're not out of here by then, you can come back in."

McCoy scowled, but he slapped his hand on the exit control and walked outside, hitting the outside control to shut the door.

Kirk turned in Spock's arms, and hugged him tightly. "Spock, what's the matter?"

Spock just held on even tighter.

Kirk let out a grunt of discomfort. Spock barely lightened up on his hold. Kirk could feel too many negative emotions overriding the previously positive ones. "Spock, talk to me. What's wrong?" He pulled back and placed his hands on Spock's face, thumbs caressing his forehead, fingers teasing his hair. 

Spock moved his head down as if to kiss Kirk.

Kirk pulled his head back and shook his head. "Bones is right. If you kiss me, it's all over, and as much as I want to, we can't do this right now. Can you be all right with that?" Kirk was becoming more and more concerned. This was so unlike Spock. "Is this normal? Should you be feeling this way?" He gave Spock a nervous smile. "I thought you wanted this. The other Kirk said you wanted this. Was he wrong? Did I do the wrong thing?"

He watched as Spock tried to pull himself together. Then he saw the memory. Saw Spock holding him, holding that other Kirk as he simply faded away, saw Spock reach for him, saw Spock cry out as he felt the emptiness inside, and Kirk shared the sense of hopelessness, the loneliness. This time it was Kirk holding Spock tightly. "I'm here, Spock. I'm okay. And if I'm okay, he'll be okay. And I promise that I'm not going anywhere." His voice was fierce and determined.

He continued. "And after we get through this crisis, we'll go back to your quarters, and we'll be together, just you and me, and we'll talk, and we'll make love, and we'll just be together. I'll take us off duty and we'll take whatever time we need. All right?" 

Spock let out a shuddering breath, and then he nodded.

Kirk continued to speak softly. "Right now I need my first officer. I need you to help me fix what's wrong with the ship. Can you do that?"

Another nod.

"Then I need to ask you for one more thing, and I hate to do it, but I can't function very well with everything you're pouring through the bond. Can you--will you--?" He felt another flare of fear from Spock. Instinctively, Kirk responded both through the bond, and verbally. "I love you so much. And I want this. I want you. Don't ever think that I don't. You didn't force me into this. I knew exactly what would happen and I wanted it." He shook Spock in a gentle reprimand. "You know this. You saw it in my mind." 

The Vulcan's voice was quiet. "Forgive me."

"Nothing to forgive. I'm just sorry we don't have time for each other right now. But according to that other me--" He let out an astonished snort at the idea. "We're on a tight time schedule and you need to save the ship right now, so let's get to it. And you're the expert in this telepathic relationship so you need to rein it in, Mister." The voice was equal parts determination, tease, and love. 

He watched as Spock squared his shoulders, and closed his eyes. Kirk was awed by the mental power in play as shields began to be erected, emotions pulled back, his own mind slowly being freed from the effects of the new bond. He felt an unexpected frisson of fear when the shields grew so strong that he could barely feel Spock's presence. "Not quite so far. I like knowing you're in there."

Kirk could feel Spock's relief at the words. Spock was no more ready than he to be alone in his mind. Ever so slowly, again demonstrating the Vulcan's control, the sensation of the bond grew until it was a calm blanketing warmth, but without the distraction it had caused before. 

Kirk let out a satisfied sigh, and smiled at Spock. "You all right?"

Spock nodded. "I am."

Kirk pointed at the console, catching Spock up on events. "I downloaded your solution to the main computer and navigation. Sulu's been using it to find us our anomaly. I assume you acquainted yourself with it while on the other Enterprise."

"Yes, I found it fascinating." 

"I'm glad, because I found it indecipherable." He slapped his hand on the control, and as the door opened he found McCoy staring up at the shuttlecraft, a scowl on his face. Kirk grinned. "No need to call for reinforcements, Bones." 

"You sure about that? You were both pretty worked up." McCoy bounced on his toes and shot a challenging glance at the Vulcan. "Especially you." 

Spock's affect was calm. "I assure you that I am fully functional."

McCoy's eyes dropped quickly to Spock's groin and he snorted. "Yeah, no doubt about that."

Kirk had followed the exchange and found his own eyes moving to Spock's groin. There was no evidence of desire there now. He found it hard to believe that this was the same man he'd been grappling on the floor with just a few short minutes ago, lost in a fury of lust. Somehow he found the idea of that intensely erotic. He'd had his reserved Vulcan first officer's hands on his butt. He wanted them there again.

Spock moved close and whispered in his ear. "You must try to control your thoughts if you expect me to control mine."

The whispered baritone and soft breath sent a shiver down Kirk's spine. As if in sync, the ship gave a shiver. Kirk wrestled his thoughts immediately back in control. "Spock, do I need you on the bridge to run that solution?"

"No, my presence is not required. The software program will be sufficient."

"Then go to engineering and help Mr. Scott keep those engines together." Kirk felt a sharp flash of regret from Spock that they would be parting. Kirk felt the same way. Later. They'd be together later. There was a short mental caress, and then Spock was heading down the hall toward engineering.

McCoy and Kirk got on the turbolift. Kirk grabbed the control bar. "Bridge." Kirk could feel the doctor's eyes on him. "I’m all right, Bones. Really."

McCoy just humphed.

* * *

It was almost anticlimactic. After the emotional frenzy of the last day, and watching the ship slowly fall apart, within two hours they were all safe. They'd found the anomaly, flown into it, run Spock's solution, and then flown out. Reports from all over the ship claimed everything to once again be in working order.

Kirk turned off the intercom, grinning. Even McCoy had sounded satisfied, now that all his equipment was working again. Kirk gave the order to move away from the anomaly at full speed. Now that he knew the solution worked, he would have Spock send the information to Star Fleet, suggesting it get loaded in all of Star Fleet's ship's computers to protect them from any future encounters with the time anomaly.

He pressed the intercom toggle again. "Mr. Scott?"

" _Scott here, Captain_."

"Everything back to normal?"

" _Aye, Sir_." The Scotsman's voice was rich with satisfaction.

"Glad to hear it. Kirk out." That only left one thing to do, and he planned to give this one the time it deserved. Instead of using the intercom, though, Kirk decided to try the bond. Just the thought of the bond swamped him with delight. He was bonded to Spock. Kirk sent a burst of joy through the connection.

The answer he got in return, as Spock let all the shields down between them, almost knocked him out of his chair. It was a heady mixture of joy, yearning, desire, and need. Kirk sent back visual instructions to meet in the Vulcan's cabin, posthaste. Kirk grinned when he could already sense the Vulcan on the move.

Kirk stood and gestured to Sulu. "Mr. Sulu, you have the con. In fact, you have the command roster unless an emergency crops up. Consider both myself and Mr. Spock off duty until instructed otherwise."

"Aye, Captain." Sulu turned back to his station, but Kirk could see the grin on his face. It wasn't going to take anyone on board long to figure out what had happened. That was fine with him, he had no intention or desire to keep the bond secret.

He took in the entire bridge crew. "Good work, everyone." That elicited grins out of all of them. With a satisfied nod Kirk moved to the turbolift and entered when the door slid open.

As the door shut, he was consumed with a sense of urgency. He knew that some of it was coming from Spock, but a good deal of it was his own. The bond was still too new for them to easily tolerate being parted. Now that he was relaxing, the call to be with his bondmate was gathering strength every second.

By the time he got to deck five, and after a quick look to see that no one was around, he began to run. He slammed his hand on the controls to Spock's quarters, stepped within, and found himself surrounded by Vulcan strength and love.

Kirk wrapped his arms around Spock and just held on tight. It was almost too much, like crawling into a hot bath after being nearly frozen to death, as the warmth creeps into cold limbs, thawing them with a tingling, burning sensation.

Kirk had no idea how long they stood like that, arms around each other, soaking in the other's presence, the bond embracing them equally within. Finally Kirk pulled back. When Spock made a dissenting noise, Kirk took his hand. "I'm not going anywhere. Let's just sit down."

Spock allowed Kirk to pull him to the bed, and Kirk sat down, leaning against the headboard. Spock sat down next to him, lifting an arm, encouraging Kirk to rest in the hollow of his shoulder. Kirk was only too happy to oblige.

With a contented sigh, he lay his head down, wrapping an arm around Spock's chest. The bond was humming contentedly between them. As time went on, Kirk frowned as he felt some anxiety coming from Spock. "What is it? I can feel you thinking."

Spock sighed. "There was much we should have discussed before we bonded."

"Like what?" It was easy to ask the question now that it was a fait accompli. Spock could come up with all the reasons he wanted as to why it was a bad idea; it wasn't going to change a thing.

"Jim, if either of us dies, it's very likely that the other will die as well." 

"I figured that one out already. After all, you showed up almost dead from your other bond having been severed." It felt bad even saying that. He pulled away from Spock for a second, a jolt of jealousy shooting through him. "Is this bond as good as that bond was?"

Spock nodded. "I would not have believed it possible as that other bond was quite strong. But now that I can compare them, this bond is much stronger as I was the one who initiated it."

That satisfied Kirk. He settled back down again. "I understand that having the first and second in command of a starship linked like this is a handicap, but Vulcans have been dealing with this for thousands of years."

"Having another Vulcan present decreases the odds of one bondmate's death causing the death of the other."

"Oh." Kirk sighed. "Well, we'll just prepare the crew under us more fully, just in case. But, the flip side of this, Spock, is that we'll be able to command more efficiently, and be able to tell when the other is in danger."

"There is another positive side effect."

Kirk knew there was a catch here somewhere. He spoke cautiously. "Yeah, like what?"

"You will need to be more careful."

Kirk scowled. "That goes for you too, Mister. Jumping in front of me and taking the killing blow won't be an effective strategy for you anymore."

Spock conceded this with a slight tilt of his head. "We will both need to be more careful, then."

"And if you thought McCoy hovered a lot before, I'll bet he drives us crazy now."

Spock sighed. "A most unpleasant likelihood."

Kirk snuggled in more deeply. "I don't care, as long as I have you."

"I concur with your assessment."

Conversation stopped for a while, as they continued to soak in each other's presence. Kirk didn't think he'd ever get enough of the gentle being in his arms and in his mind. He let out another happy sigh when Spock began to rake his fingers through Kirk's hair. Such a simple gesture, but it inundated him with the Vulcan's love. He tightened his hold on Spock's chest. "I thought I'd lost you."

Spock's hold on Kirk grew equally tight. "And I, you."

"That other me, that other James Kirk, he wrote that he tried to keep you there." Kirk hesitated, jealousy rearing its ugly head again. "Did you want to stay?"

Spock shifted his body so he could fully look at his bondmate. "What I wanted was you."

"He was pretty close to being me."

"Yes, he was, but he wasn't you."

"Would you have stayed? I mean, if you could have?" On one hand, Kirk felt foolish for pressing the subject, but on the other he knew he needed to clear his head and heart of all his doubts. There would be no secrecy between them.

"Not unless I was unable to get home to you."

"But suppose you couldn't get home to me?"

Spock furrowed his brow and Kirk almost squirmed as Spock stared at him for a minute. He could feel Spock in his mind, as if he were searching for the emotion underscoring the inquisition. "I am not sure how to answer that question. However, I think I can say that I find it unlikely I would have stopped trying to return to you."

"What did he say to you to try to get you to stay?"

Spock placed his fingers on Kirk's face to strengthen the mental connection. Kirk could sense the invitation to witness the memories. He accepted and saw the entreaties, the kisses, the arguments. He smiled wryly. "He didn't exactly play fair, did he?"

Spock almost smiled. "He was you, Jim. A future you, but you, nonetheless."

"Are you saying I don't play fair, Mister Spock?"

"I am saying that you have an inordinate skill in manipulating the world around you to get what you want."

"And he wanted you." Kirk reached up and touched Spock's face, running his fingers down the nose, softly caressing the lips. "Just like I do."

Spock closed his eyes and Kirk could feel him enjoying the touch. "It was most difficult for him. He had lost his Spock. And yet, there I was, both physically and in his mind."

"How did that happen, by the way? How did you two end up bonded?"

"He has, as do you, a most powerful mind for a human. He used the link that existed between you and me to rebuild the bond that existed between him and the other Spock."

"So you didn't have anything to do with it?"

"Other than unwisely entering his mind without sufficient thought, no."

"Good." Kirk was fiercely glad that the only bond Spock really wanted was with him. "I know it's strange to be jealous of myself, but I can’t help it."

"He said much the same thing. And yet, he made it possible for me to get back to you."

Kirk could feel a lingering sadness in Spock, thoughts of the other Kirk's death on his mind. "Yes, he did. If he hadn't written that note, you'd be dead, and my ship disintegrating in a dozen different timelines." Kirk smiled and leaned forward, kissing Spock gently. "And remember, Spock, because this ship was saved, he didn't die. And now, I can return the favor, and make sure that his Spock doesn't die. That you don't die." Kirk kissed him again, his touch softer, wetter.

Kirk could feel how just that small touch ignited Spock's desire. It made him feel powerful, and sexy as all hell to be wanted that much. He lifted a hand, cupping Spock's cheek, turning the Vulcan's head so he could kiss him again, fully, his tongue begging for entrance by tracing along the inner seal of Spock's lips.

Spock opened his mouth, and began to slide them both down into the bed, pressing their bodies tightly together. The desire was turning into a conflagration. Kirk had thought that they might take it slow, might take some time to thoroughly explore each other this first time, learning their likes and dislikes. That idea was going rapidly out the window.

Spock wrapped a leg around Kirk, pressing their groins together, and Kirk decided the going slow idea was a remarkably bad one. All he knew was that it was imperative that he be touching Spock immediately. He wrestled to get Spock's shirt off and then yanked his own off as well. The sensation of flesh on flesh as their chests met caused both men to groan.

Kirk groaned again when Spock's nimble fingers found a nipple. Kirk returned the favor, his fingers delighting in the suede-like texture of Spock's skin and the pebbled surface of his areola. He thought for a moment of tasting it, of feeling the roughened surface with his tongue, but his lips and mouth were being thoroughly devoured by his bondmate and he couldn't bear the thought of pulling away.

There were still too many clothes between them. Kirk managed to kick off his boots, and encouraged Spock to do the same. Lips still clinging, they worked off their pants and briefs, socks coming off last. Kirk almost came just feeling the hot Vulcan body completely naked, feeling the hardened arousal against his thigh, physical proof of the desire singing through the bond.

Kirk's hands ran the length of Spock's back, cupping his butt, roaming back up to his chest, trying to touch him everywhere he could reach. Finally, he moved a hand down to touch Spock's erection. The heat of it singed him. He moaned into Spock's mouth as he felt the self-lubrication make the Vulcan's cock slippery and easy to caress.

Kirk opened his mouth wide as Spock swept his tongue inside his mouth, the kiss claiming, deep and lasting. Kirk aligned his cock next to Spock's and thrust in rhythm with Spock's tongue.

Spock's hand moved down between their bodies to share in the exploration and when he reached his target, Kirk drove himself into the warm fingers. Spock held them both in place, rubbing his lubrication onto Kirk. This time Spock was the one who moved, and he let out a groan. He turned their bodies until Kirk was lying on top of him, and he thrust again.

The thought of his reserved Vulcan first officer in the throes of passion, lost in heat, feeling his desire through the bond, and hearing it in Spock's fevered groans and rapid breathing destroyed whatever control Kirk had left. He pushed against Spock, finding a shared rhythm, feeling the pressure build both in his body and in Spock's.

The desire ricocheted between them, both physically and mentally and it didn't take them long. As one, they climaxed, their seed gushing out between them, their physical essences commingling. Through it all, they never stopped kissing, although it was now turning into soft nibbles and gentle tongue strokes as their bodies began to calm down.

Kirk sprawled on top of the Vulcan, too sated to move, and still wanting to feel as much of his bondmate as possible. He pressed a series of soft kisses on Spock's cheek, and down his jaw, moving to his earlobe.

Spock turned his head, clearly inviting the exploration of his ear to continue. Kirk obliged him, exploring the whorls, making his way up to the elegant tip. He pulled back and smiled down at Spock. "I think I've always wanted to do that, from the moment I laid eyes on you."

Spock's eyes smiled in return. "While I might have found such attention disconcerting at our first meeting, you are welcome to indulge yourself at the present time. I find the sensation most pleasing."

Kirk grinned, delighted. "I find everything about you to be most pleasing." He rubbed his now soft penis against Spock's. "That was the most amazing thing I ever felt. And all we did was some mutual masturbation. I don't know that I'd have survived anything more."

"I, too, found it a bit overwhelming. I believe that we will grow more accustomed to the bond as time goes on."

"I don't think I'll ever get accustomed to it, Spock. I don't know that I want to."

Spock wrapped his arms around Kirk's back and hugged him tightly. "I still find it hard to believe that we are here, together, despite the indisputable evidence."

Kirk sighed, then he reached for his discarded tunic, and lifting his body enough to get his hand between them, mopped up the semen.

Spock lifted an eyebrow. "I could go get us a towel."

Kirk shook his head. "You're not going anywhere. I have no intention of letting go of you for quite some time." Spock lifted an eyebrow, and Kirk waited for him to offer some logical reason as to why that wasn't a feasible strategy. He barked out a laugh when Spock flipped them until they were lying side-to-side. "No arguments, Mister Spock?"

"None, Captain."

"Spock?"

"Yes?"

"I can't tell you how much it means to me that you waited for me. I'm not sure if our roles had been reversed, and it had been me being wooed by another you, that I could have resisted."

"Possibly not. A Vulcan's desire is a most powerful force." Spock reached up and traced Kirk's lips. "But you are also a force to be reckoned with, in any universe."

"That may be so, but it seems I've met my match in you."

"A fact for which I find myself most grateful."

Kirk smiled and pushed Spock on to his back a little, so he could take his place resting on the Vulcan's shoulder. "You and me, Spock. A match made in heaven." Kirk could feel the eyebrow go up and he grinned. "Just an expression, Spock. Don't analyze it."

"Ah."

"That's it? Just ah?"

"You told me not to analyze it."

"I know, but you could at least agree."

"To not analyze it?"

"No, that we are a match made in heaven."

There was a pause.

"You're analyzing."

"I am merely pulling up the facts I know about the concept of heaven."

"I told you not to analyze."

"You asked me to agree. How can I agree without knowing all the salient facts?"

Kirk started to laugh. "Never mind, Spock. Will you agree with me if I say that we belong together?"

"Yes, I will agree to that, without reservation."

"Good, then let's leave it at that and get some sleep. And then I plan to make love to you again, but this time we'll take our time."

"I concur with that, as well."

Kirk kissed Spock's neck, smiling lazily. "Like I said, a match made in heaven."

* * *

Epilogue: Stardate 6100.2

Spock rose from the science station. "Captain, Mr. Scott has just advised me that the new engine refit has been completed on the Galileo. With your permission I would like to take it out and do a systems check."

Kirk turned in his chair until he was facing his first officer. The bond had grown stronger over the last year, and as he looked at his bondmate, he could feel it between them like a tender massage. "Agreed, Mr. Spock. I'll be anxious to see how the new adaptations affect the shuttle's performance."

Spock nodded and headed for the turbolift. Kirk watched his back, admiring his small, hard ass as he waited for the lift to appear. Then, warning bells began to go off in the back of his mind and fear cascaded down his spine. "Wait, belay that order."

Spock turned, feeling the fear his bondmate was experiencing. "What is it, Captain?"

"Spock, the shuttle. Remember?" Kirk's voice was tight.

Suddenly Spock did remember. He crossed the bridge and stood in front of his bondmate, reassuring him with his presence as well as across the bond. "It was remiss of me not to remember. I shall not go."

Kirk nodded at him, fear at what might have so easily happened coiling in his gut. He hit the intercom. "Kirk to engineering."

" _Scott here_."

"Mr. Scott. Spock and I have reason to believe that there is something wrong with the Galileo. I want an engineering team to take the thing apart until you find it."

" _That isna possible. I did the refit myself_."

"Be that as it may, I want the thing torn apart."

There was a pause. " _Aye, aye, Sir_." The voice was disgruntled, as if a personal attack had been made on his family name.

Kirk toggled the intercom off. He glanced up at Spock, his eyes still reflecting his fear.

Spock made a rare public gesture and placed his hand on Kirk's shoulder. "I am all right."

Kirk's words were spoken softly, aimed just for the Vulcan's hearing. "How could I have been so stupid? I should have had this date set in my calendar to make sure this would never happen."

"I am guilty of the same neglect, Jim."

Kirk pointed at the view screen. "In a few minutes I would have just watched your shuttle explode, taking you with it."

"But you will not. It will not happen." A surge of love shot across the bond from Spock to Kirk.

Kirk body began to relax, but he suspected he'd get a few nightmares out of this. He covered Spock's hand with his own. "And now your future James T. Kirk still has his Spock."

An eyebrow went up. "Indeed. I find that a most satisfying thought."

Kirk grinned. "Which means he can keep his cotton pickin' hands off of you."

The second eyebrow went up. "Cotton pickin'?"

"Just an expression, Spock."

"I see. Well, perhaps I will go to the shuttle bay and assist Mr. Scott."

"Very good, Mr. Spock. I'll expect a detailed report later in our quarters." He looked up at Spock through his lashes, his eyes full of what that report would consist of.

Spock nodded. "Of course, Captain. I would expect no less." Spock sent a provoking image across the bond that caused a tightening in Kirk's groin.

Kirk shifted in his seat. Spock was far superior in the sending of messages across the bond, and that included the sending of startlingly clear sexual images. Kirk found himself the recipient of those images at the most inopportune times, Spock's version of a practical joke, and to be fair, promises of delights to come.

Kirk really didn't mind, except that sitting on the captain's chair sporting a hard-on was a bit embarrassing. He hissed at his bondmate. "That better be a promise."

Spock glanced around the bridge, and then, apparently seeing that no one was paying attention, he smiled at Kirk.

Kirk drew in a shaky breath. Those smiles were another weapon in the Vulcan's arsenal. They made his heart pound and his blood all move south. He stood. "I think I'll accompany you, Mr. Spock."

"Very good, Captain."

They both made it to the turbolift and entered. When the door slid shut, Kirk launched himself at Spock and kissed him. "You don't play fair, Spock."

"I learned from a master, Jim."

Kirk snorted out a laugh. "Would it be a shocking dereliction of my duties if we detoured to our cabin and made that particular vision come true?" The image was one of Spock, on his knees, with Kirk's cock in his mouth.

Spock held Kirk close. "Yes, but I believe there is an expression that humans have often used to defend this sort of behavior."

"Oh, and what is that, Mr. Spock?"

"Rank has its privileges."

Kirk laughed into Spock's neck. "I do so love you."

"Then I suggest we adjourn to our cabin so I can get my--what was the phrase? Ah, yes, get my cotton pickin' hands on you."

"And your mouth."

"Indeed, most certainly my mouth."

Kirk groaned, and when the doors to the lift slid open, Kirk grabbed Spock's hand and ran.

The End


End file.
